clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Spurs doomed against City

Here comes the money.

Michael Regan

Tottenham Hotspur visit Manchester City this weekend and we're totally screwed.

"Why's that Skip? Could you explain your thought process with, I don't know, a pro wrestling entrance?" Why, yes. Yes I can.

Look this is simple. Manchester City has more money than God. You think I'm joking but I'm not. They have so much money.  Like, so much. Think of all the money you can imagine. Then double that. Then double that. Then imagine a mountain of that with strippers on top dancing on solid goal poles wearing bikinis made out of Hank Aaron rookie cards covered in gold. They have more money than that.

Manchester City have spent that money on the best players in the world. Then they spent more money on the second best players in the world. Then they spent money on Javi Garcia. But even with that handicap in their defense, they still have Sergio Aguero up front, who is either banging in goals or Diego Maradona's daughter. Which I imagine is alot like when dudes are banging Brooke Hogan they're probably imagining banging her Dad. So when he's not scoring goals he's basically scoring with Diego Maradona.

... wait. What was I talking about again? Oh right, we're screwed.

You know City's biggest weakness won't even work in our favor, because our own brave Englishman Ed has been up late into the night sacrificing goats and performing tantric rituals with elderly women to restore Joe Hart's form. So get ready for Spurs to get anything they shoot at the goal saved by the most overrated player on the English National Team.

So let's review, there's no way we're going to score more goals than City with our offense and City's offense. Even if we somehow manage to do that, City will wait until stoppage time, then start stuffing hundred pound notes in Jan's cup and paying aggressively sexual Dutch prostitutes to clean his ears and nostrils with their tongues until he boots in a couple own goals.

Basically we are completely and utterly effed in our a and we need to gird our loins for Middle Earth's 5th Division.

RIP THFC. Make it rain, bitches.