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Manchester City vs. Tottenham Hostpur Player Ratings: To The Theme of Things 14 Year-Old You Thought Were Awesome

Well... erm.... I guess we have to do this.

Alex Livesey

On an irregular basis, I'm going to be stepping back into the fold to save Tottenham from liquidation at the hands an evil ginger tyrant help the CFC writing staff with a few pieces, and oh boy did I pick the right week to do so. Here's a bunch of crap I've written about some crap performances in a crap game.

5 Stars - Footy

The obvious choice for this category. If you're a regular user of this site, there's a good chance that by aged 14 you had figured out that football is the best thing in the world and were playing it regularly at school, for your county and in the local park, as well as going to see it as part of an enjoyable activity with family or friends. This was the most important realisation you ever made.

None of our players were five star on Sunday. This was a horrible day.

4 Stars - Video games

If you're an adult male and you tell people that you're totally over video gaming, you're either in the 1% bracket of society that hates fun or you're lying to yourself. Whether your current virtual activities extend to 24-hour Counterstrike binges or simply just the occasional tinker about on FIFA, there's a reason why you're still playing video games decades on from when you first booted up Sonic on SEGA- because they're a refreshing bit of escapism.

Nope, not giving anyone four stars either. Seriously, horrible.

3 Stars - Adult cartoons

A mixed bag. One one hand, the Simpsons, Archer and other slightly more adult-oriented animated shows targeted at kids aged 14 and upwards still hold merit, depending on whether that sort of thing is your cup of tea. On the other, you watched and probably laughed at Family Guy at this age. That stain isn't coming off your conscience any time soon.

Emmanuel Adebayor- looked lively and involved during his cameo, which obviously means that Villain-Boo'as has been deliberately trying to prevent him from saving us from relegation to the Scottish League Two.

Mousa Dembele- hustled well, but still seriously needs to reconsider his pre-match routine of pouring glue and hot wax all over his boots.

Erik Lamela- was pretty much the only player who looked capable of making something happen in the City box as he roamed from position to position. Is this a good thing, out of context? No.

Aaron Lennon- took on his man well a number of times which was refreshing to seem but his final ball never turned up on the day.

Sandro- struggled with City's lightening transitions, though his gorgeous last-ditch tackle on Nasri drew my fingers away from my eyes for about 18 seconds shortly before they clamped back on for the remainder of the match.

Lewis Holtby- huffed and puffed in vain, as is becoming thematic of his PL appearances.

Gylfi Sigurdsson- got a shot on target, which may qualify him for MOTM.

Kyle Walker- didn't hurt anyone or himself.

2 Stars - Trading cards

As you sit there gazing at your collection stack of super-shiny Yu-Gi-Oh monsters or whatever trying to calculate what the individual monetary cost of each of those hundreds of obsolete scraps of card was to you back in the day, think to yourself- was it worth it? Really?

Michael Dawson- Daws celebrated his 300th game for Spurs by undergoing the football equivalent of a televised vivisection. Anyone with a heart should feel sad about this.

Younes Kaboul- ready for first team football again, if our plan is to offload him to Barnsley on loan tomorrow. Seriously, I love Kaboom but he's not over his injury yet which is a terrible sign considering how long he's been in training.

Paulinho- pretty definitively not a better option than Dembele at this point and I will fight anyone who disagrees.

Jan Vertonghen- looks like his strike over being forced to play left-back is in full effect.

Hugo Lloris- not a fantastic return to the side after gifting City two goals with poor clearances, but I think a few shaky initial performances are to be expected after that small matter of the massive head trauma.

Roberto Soldado- didn't have a central touch in the box. As useless on the day as trying to use a Digimon card as currency.

1 Star - The future

When you were 14, the world of adulthood looked like a glistening golden castle nestled away on a distant hilltop. How ecstatic you were at the thought of the day when you could stay up past 10.30pm, when you could legally drink and when you were finally free from the constraints of that horrible evil institution you had to attend every day of the week where people devoted their lives to expanding your mind and equipping you with vital life skills. You had dreams, you had goals. Now you're 32, you work at an anonymous recruitment firm in Rotherham on a pay grade dictated by sales targets, and all women are disgusted by you. Sucker!

Also appropriate because after Sunday's performance it's obvious that the club we knew as Tottenham Hotspur has no future. #ripthfc

As terrible as Sunday's performance was, none of our players were as bad as the future turned out to be compared with the hopes and dreams you held ages 14.

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