In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
If you're a Manchester United fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.
Your Club Sucks: United are the winningest team in English history, but they're called Manchester United. There are 2 Premier League teams in Manchester and another team created by fans who split off from Manchester United. Not to mention, Manchester United is primarily supported by people from London and Singapore. United may win a lot, but they're doing a pretty bad job of living up to their name.
Your Owner Sucks: Ah the Glazer brothers. United fans and journalists alike talk about how they've ruined United and English soccer with their lack of investment and parasitic transfer of money out of one of England's most storied clubs into their own pockets. Personally I hate them because they are directly responsible for one of the most annoying things in all of sports: the green and gold movement. Looking for people more annoying than the #againstmodernfootball hashtaggers? Look for a United fan in a green and gold scarf renewing his season ticket. But hey, he lights a flare on his way to the game from the pub. Way to rage against that machine pal.
Your Last Season Sucked: Well it didn't. The greatest british manager of all time won a title with Wayne Rooney and RVP and a pub team. Also with Shinji Kagawa as his assistant on the bench.
Your Coach Sucks: Manchester United traded the greatest British manager of all time, and maybe the greatest manager of his era, for a guy who's primary achievement is keeping Everton solvent. Welcome to the real world, United. Hope you survive the experience.
Your Players Suck: Danny Welbeck starts more games than Shinji Kagawa. What. the. fuck.
Your New Signings Suck: Moyes signed Fellani for more than he had to because apparently his old position as Everton's accountant is a hard habit to break. Then he couldn't get a parade of World Cup stars and Spanish underwear models to sign with United, presumably cause they all think they'll catch scurvy from him or end up on Everton or something.
Why you might escape the drop: They make up a huge difference in goals scored in stoppage time during the last game of the season.