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Tottenham Hotspur fire Andre Villas-Boas, hire Twitter to manage club


Mike Hewitt

Despite significant investment this past off season, Spurs have gotten off to a boring, turgid start that is at odds with the clubs' attacking ethos. The lack of goals has finally forced Chairman Daniel Levy's hand. Earlier today, he announced that Tottenham Hotspur has fired Andre Villas Boas as coach and replaced him with Twitter.

"Tottenham have always been a bold club that is proud of making firsts and today we're proud to become the first club to be run by social media," said Chairman Daniel Levy after he noted Twitter's contributions to ending Tottenham's partnership with Real Madrid. "The goals weren't there and checking my twitter feed after every game it was clear that half the world knew what we should have actually been doing. So we decided to crowd source our solutions. I expect great things."

"LOL Levy'd" said Twitter at its introductory press conference. It added, "FFS it's about time, I nearly died a little inside every time we passed back into the defense. Its obvious what the solutions are to our sco"

Twitter moved swiftly and decisively, reinstating Jermaine Defoe as starter because "#Goals" and benching Roberto Soldado because "He wears gloves in November. #lazy #notinvolved #wanker" Twitter has also vowed to fight modern football by giving a voice to the youngest and fastest growing segment of Spurs' fanbase: 16 year olds who run Tottenham Twitter News Accounts. It is hard to argue with this move as it seemingly includes 1/3 of the global population.

Twitter's next move was to recall Tom Carroll from his loan at QPR and promptly install him as Tottenham's new deep lying midfielder, striker, man in the hole, and primary instagram user. They followed this effort by inducting him into Tottenham's hall of fame and naming the new stadium after him. Finally, twitter had back up keeper Brad Friedel taken out behind White Hart Lane and shot, noting "Maybe now he'll finally come off his line FFS."

Twitter concluded their press conference by saying "RT for Bald Sandro Fav for Mohawk Sandro." For the record, Cartilage Free Captain retweeted.

The newly social media savvy club then immediately posted a training album on Facebook filled with images of a somber Hotlby, laying roses across the goal line for the deceased Friedel. "Gud to know are Num 10 can find the goal during practice lmao" said one fan, who then posted a link to his blog: Other fans chimed in with such tactical suggestions such as "fuck ade, we should hve signed Bentekkers he wuz almost ours" and "LOL Siggy ur next." Twitter noted they'd be adding them to their coaching staff shortly.

Upon his departure from the club, AVB was seen at a pawn shop in Enfield, trading in his iPhone5 for some much needed cash. The new manager responded to the reports with "Thoughts and #prayers to #AVB. Looks like #Levy is up to his old tricks in that severance agreement!!! #LAD"

The next day, Twitter held a press conference in order to call for Harry Redknapp to replace itself. Cartilage Free Captain is looking for land rovers, awaiting comment.

Muchas Gracias to Brixton for help wit dem lulz

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