clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Your team is getting relegated: Newcastle United

S'alreet? S'alreet.

Matthew Lewis

In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.

If you're a Newcastle United fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.

Your Club Sucks: Newcastle United Football Club was formed in 1892 following a pie eating contest outside a mine by a bunch of fat miners who liked to tattoo things on their guts and show other people those tattoos outdoors in frigid temperatures. This is a proud tradition they have kept alive to this day.

Newcastle is also unique in England in that they are a one team town and they are the only people who think that when people say "United" that they're not talking about Manchester, which is absolutely adorable.

Newcastle also maintain a fierce rivalry with Sunderland AFC, which is kind of like the A/V Club going to war with the Chess Club over who gets to ask out the lunch lady.

Your Owner Sucks: So there's a famous picture of a super fat guy with a NUFC tattoo on his gut showing it off in the cold. Mike Ashley is basically that dude in a suit. But he's also constantly threatening to sell the club. And sell the naming rights to their stadium. And signing sponsorship deals with one of the most predatory loan companies in England. And he also looks a little like Rob Ford. So I'm not saying he's powermad insane dictator fueled by cocaine, but I'm also not saying he isn't. Allegedly.

Your Last Season Sucked: Did you know that Newcastle finished 5th two years ago?! I KNOW! I can't believe it either. Mostly because last year they were a horrific dumpster fire who somehow worked their way into a relegation battle despite having one of the savviest scouting departments in all of England. But hey, a relegation battle is exciting and there's no way a club like Newcastle could go down so who was worried about - oh. Ohhhh. Well then. At least they're not locked into an 8 year contract with a mediocre manag-ohhhhh. That's rough. Well at least they signed some French guys last year.

Your Coach Sucks: Ah Alan Pardew, le renard argenté. Man, remember when he got an eight year contract, everyone laughed, then thanks to Newcastle's ridiculous scouting system they had a great year with an outside chance at Champion's League football? Then remember how he had an insane amount of talent and excellent signings last year and somehow ended up in a relegation battle? Now let's all remember how he's in the early stages of a contract that is due to last as long as it takes for George R.R. Martin to finish writing Game of Thrones.

But worry not. When Alan's shady dealings with foreigners prove to be your undoing, good ol' Uncle Joe will be there, ready to take a big old bite out of his Yohan Kebab and get to work.

Your Players Suck:

Your New Signings Suck: Well I suppose Newcastle was a good move for Loic Remy. No matter what happens at his trial at least now he'll know how he looks in pinstripes.

Why you might escape the drop: The entire cast of Les Miserables joins the team and the rest of the league feels so bad for Cosette they drop points to let them stay up.

Not a member? Join Cartilage Free Captain and start commenting | Follow @CartilageFree on Twitter | Like Cartilage Free Captain on Facebook | Subscribe to our RSS feed