Merry Christmas Eve Spursland! OK, I am sorry, I know I am late. I got a last minute invite to the Tottenham Holiday party. Apparently some tickets opened up rather suddenly last week a few guys got shoved out the door or something and I got it.
It was weird. A somber affair at some tables (Paulinho's) while others were very different and jovial (Adebayor's). It was a mixed bag all around made even weirder when Dan Levy grabbed two bottles of Johnny Walker Blue and dragged me, the head groundskeeper, and oddly Bill Paxton into a back room. He was hammered and going through that mega drunk cycle only seen occasionally during the dying embers of the most riotous college parties, the person "going through every emotion and stage of grief 15 seconds at a time" stage. Then repeating it. He kept pouring us drinks faster than we could drink them (except for Bill Paxton, that dude can hang) if our drinks had room for more or not. He was stumbling, he was raving but the one consistent thing, ever three minutes and forty five seconds he calmed down for a second or two, and pushed play AGAIN on Jesus Take The Wheel.
OK, OK, maybe that's not true, the reason the Hoddle is late is because I was upstairs drinking and gambling with my family late into the night. BrotherRoosevelts1.0 and I took big money off FatherRoosevelts and MotherRoosevelts and most importantly SisterRoosevelts. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT NETWORKING AND YOUR INTERNSHIP APPLICATIONS FOR LONGER THAN 40 MINUTES! You are a senior at a very good but non-Ivy league or 7 sisters school, you are not important, join the rest of us in reality, knowing we aren't important and simultaneously not acting like it.
And now the "news"
Yes children, Father Christmas has brought you news that any intelligent person could have guessed. Di Maria isn''t coming to a team with a crap-load of talented wingers all fighting to form a pecking order. Also we don't allow shovel-faces on this team.
So be on time, and when the coach talks shut the hell up, these are the tough new rules. Speaking as a coach of young gentlemen of promise, ISN'T THAT THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM TO ASK OF PLAYERS? What was AVB's policy? "Hey coach I know I was 20 minutes late but they were giving out free slushies across town. I mean it's a small but who can pass that up?". And then he goes "do what ya gotta do kid"?
Hey I expect more out of Honda. They are a fine automobile company who's product is responsible for me being alive today after a serious T-bone crash I somehow walked away fr... Oh this isn't the people who make the Civic. Nevermind.
And it's over for Man United. Welcome to the club, can we (Spurs) pour you a drink to welcome you to our world of not living up to the hype?
This is a favorite bit I do at this time of year. My family -- and I mean no offense here -- is split between two wings. Half is Irish, the other half is kinda redneck. A little trashy but full of
love thinly veiled anger. Basically a lot of guys in my family love drinking beer but don't get the bottle opener only craft brews in their lives often, lots of Miller Light. So I make sure I have some bottles that aren't twist offs for every holiday party and I stick them right next to the Coors Light out in the redneck cooler (the porch). Then I giggle drunkenly all through the party as each successive uncle can't figure out why all his manly twisting and grip strength isn't opening his happy juice. I am an asshole.