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The Striker You Want Sucks: An Honest Look At Tottenham's Transfer Targets

Tottenham Hotspur fans want new strikers at White Hart Lane. Unfortunately all of you want the wrong strikers. Here's why.

Christof Koepsel

I'm not sure how long #WeNeedAStriker has been a thing around this blog. I'm willing to guess it's been since we first qualified for the Champions League back in 2010. Sure, back then we had a stable of four strikers all of at least decent quality. Tottenham Hotpsur, however, still lacked that world-class number 9. Spurs haven't had that player since Dimitar Berbatov departed for Manchester United in 2008. That's almost 5 years that the club has been without a world class talent up front. That's ludicrous.

As a result or the dearth of striking options at White Hart Lane, Spurs have been linked with many strikers over the years. Each fan has their own particular one that they'd like to see come to the North London. So, the truth of the matter is that all of your opinions are wrong. Let's take a look at the list.

Leandro Damiao: Oh, he's world-class alright. A world-class a-hole. Seriously, screw this guy. I don't care how many goals he scores in Brazil or the Olympics. He obviously doesn't want to play for Spurs. He can fuck off to Milan.

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: This guy has a super hard name to spell. TheRoosevelts can't handle that. Could you imagine the pressure he'd be under? Besides, PEA is gangly as heck. I doubt he could stand up to a knee from John Terry or a tackle from Callum McManaman.

Roberto Soldado: Bobby Soldier has 4 straight 20 goal seasons, but he still sucks. Why? Because Spain would rather play with no striker than give him a cap. This dude is almost 28 and has 6 caps for Spain. That doesn't scream world-class to me.

Wilfried Bony: He's 24 and this is the first season he's ever scored more than 12 goals. I'm sorry if that doesn't exactly get the blood flowing to my nether regions. Call me when he can put together some consistent production.

Jozy Altidore: He's American.

Gary Hooper: Good Ol' Number 88 plays in Scotland and scores a lot. I suppose that's a lot like letting a guy with one eye play football against blind people. There are no blind people in the Premier League (Arsene Wenger excluded, obviously).

Robert Lewandowski: Aside from the fact that he's wanted by some of the best clubs in the world and will cost a metric fuck-ton of money, Lewandowski is polish. I don't think his chances of success against Robert Huth or Per Mertesacker are going to be very high. (Author's note: I had a lot of other Polish jokes to make, but they're probably not appropriate for this audience.)

Stevan Jovetic: I'll be honest, this kid is awesome...except for the fact that he doesn't score much. Then again, that's probably good. We don't want our other strikers to lose self-esteem. Also, like Lewandowski, everyone wants him and he's going to be too expensive.

Gonzalo Higuain: Can't argue with this guys pedigree or goal scoring record. His wages are pretty high though. Plus, there's that whole bit about leaving Real Madrid for Tottenham. Just doesn't seem like that's the way things work in the real world.

Rodrigo: He played in the Premier League once. He scored one goal. Besides, his work rate is very low and he's too small to be a line-leader.

Alvaro Negredo: His nickname is the Beast. We can't have another Beast in the team.

Seydou Doumbia: He scores, but if you don't like the idea of Jermain Defoe leading the line, then you're definitely not going to like the idea of Doumbia doing so either.

Christian Benteke: He says he wants to play for Arsenal. Thus, I don't want him to play for Spurs. Plus, despite what the stats on his chance conversion rate may say, he misses quite a few sitters.

Nelson Oliveira: I forget who mentioned him the other day, but I can definitively say that you're the dumbest dummy to ever dumb. This "striker" has scored 10 goals in his pro career. A career that spans a total of 86 games. Harry Kane has 15 goals in 60 games. So, there's that.

Eden Dzeko: Wages! Wages! Wages!

There. I think that's all the strikers. Or most of them at least. Basically, they're all no good and you're dumb for suggesting them. So, what are Spurs to do? I have no idea. Perhaps we can sign Zlatan.