Gareth Bale is at Manchester United vs. Real Madrid, so let's panic

I'm going to start these rumors before the papers have a chance: Gareth Bale is going to leave Tottenham Hotspur for Real Madrid or Manchester United. I know this because he is now the best player in the world, much better than Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo.

He's traveled to Manchester to take in the UEFA Champions League match between the Red Devils and Merengues, where he will inevitably meet with Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho. He will be promised hoards of beautiful young women, a palace with gold trim on everything and wages of over £500k per week if he moves to either club. In May, he will tell Daniel Levy that he never wants to play for Spurs again.

This is the end. This day was the turning point. We are about to lose our prized star, and our club will go down the toilet. Surely, there is no other reason that Bale would be in attendance at Old Trafford tonight.

(Or maybe he lives a couple hours from the stadium and likes big football matches and had enough money for a ticket.)