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Friday Morning Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News and Links May 17, 2013

Come chat with us one last time with hope in your hearts before the end of the season brings the crushing despair we all know to be inevitable.

Matthew Lewis

Happy Friday, Spurs fans! Two days til judgment day. Two days until we find out if next year will bring a second Champions League adventure or if we learn that caring about anything is thankless and soul-crushing and what's even the point of living anyway?

But don't despair. Here's some links.

Gareth Bale is totally signing a new contract, probably | The Mirror

Supposedly Bale is set to add another year on his contract, keeping him here til 2017 while earning £170,000 a week! Also, we're buying Luke Shaw, David Villa, and Christian Benteke! And we're selling Adebayor, Gallas, Siggy, and Hudd. Also, this story has no quotes and is probably bullshit.

Aaron Lennon to the San Siro | The Mirror

Another Mirror story, and more probable nonsense. Supposedly Inter want Lennon because reasons. I love little Azza, but it honestly wouldn't shock me if the team offloaded him this summer. I'll be sad to see him go, but...

Christian Atsu to Spurs? | Sky Sports

A "mystery club" in the EPL has supposedly bid for Porto's Ghanaian wing wizard. Ooooh, a mystery club! How cloak and dagger. I'd love to have him, but this is also probably nonsense. I'm sorry to degrade the integrity of the Hoddle with all these spurious rumors. It's not my fault theroosevelts has disappeared, leaving behind only the shattered remains of his heart and microwave.

Wilfried Bony on the move | Sky Sports

I guess I'm not that sorry. Here's some more transfer nonsense. Eredivisie top-scorer Bony could be heading to Tottenham. Or Chelsea. Or Anzhi. Or West Ham. Whatever. At least he's not Jozy Altidore.

That's all I got. It's up to you, commentariat. Do a better job and leave some interesting stories in the comments.