The Pros and Cons of David Villa

David Villa burst onto the world stage a decade ago, lighting up La Liga with his remarkable goalscoring ability. His form for Zaragoza and Valencia eventually earned him a dream move to Barcelona, but his time at the Nou Camp has been a bit of a mixed bag. Injury, inconsistent playing time, and a positional shift to wide forward have all combined to see his form erode. A possible transfer to Tottenham has been mooted, but at 31 can he still do the business?

I sat down with Kevin to take a look at the pros and cons of bringing the Spaniard to North London. I think he'd be a great signing, but Kevin has a different take.

Pro: Why we must sign David Villa:

by Lennon's Eyebrow

• David Villa is Spain's all-time leading goalscorer, with a strike rate of 53 goals in 88 matches. That is insane.
• David Villa scored 20+ goals in ten consecutive seasons. Ten consecutive seasons. That is even more insane.
• Seriously. 10 seasons in a row, he scored 20 or more goals.
• He would probably score close to 20 goals next year for Tottenham Hotspur.
• David Villa is incredibly versatile. He can play as a lone striker, in a front two, or even as a wide forward on the left left.
• But his goalscoring form dropped off playing wide left? He still scored 15 goals in 37 games this season from mostly wide positions.
• He's a legitimate, bona fide star. He's a big name talent whose mere presence in a Spurs jersey looks good to potential fans and potential future signings. He will sell jerseys and convince other players that this team means business.
• For a guy who would probably score 20 goals next season for Spurs, he is incredibly cheap. Even though he has little resale value, spending €12m to get us the goals that will take the team to the next level is worth every penny.

Con: David Villa looks like the asshole who I saw making out with my ex-girlfriend at a bar, and the asshole that you saw making out with your ex-girlfriend at the bar, too.

by Kevin McCauley

It's Friday night. Usually you watch a movie with the girl you're casually dating, go to a concert or hang out at your neighborhood bar where everyone's cool and knows your name, but this Friday night is different. This Friday night, your friends have managed to drag you to some horrible place like Wrigleyville, the Meatpacking District, Clarendon or the Sunset Strip.

None of the girls in the bar are particularly attractive, but they're all carrying themselves like they're the hottest thing on earth. Some asshole with a button-up shirt, top three buttons undone so you can see his chest hair, sporting a soulpatch and a fake tan, takes this as an invitation to grab their asses and ask men in the bar if they "have a problem, bro".

We all see this guy in the bar every time we go out to a horrible bar where we knew we didn't want to go in the first place. He's just memorable enough that you know not to go to the same bar next week, but not memorable enough that you stop going to these kinds of disgusting places altogether.

The week after meeting one of (or many of) these assholes at the bar, you call up your ex, get drunk, make out with her and then one or both of you starts crying before you guys have the chance to have make-up sex. You sleep on her couch. On Saturday morning, you look back at your horrible Friday night with regret, but decide that you still had a better time than your friends who stupidly went to the bar full of soulpatch-sporting brodouches.

You weren't feeling too bad about the crying session that you had with your ex. It was a horrible idea for you guys to have sex, and you were drunk enough that you had mad whiskey dick anyway. Just as you were coming to terms with this, two Friday nights later, your friends convince you go to the bar that you know you're going to hate. There, in that bar, is the soulpatch-sporting brodouche with the button-up shirt he failed to button up, and he's making out with your ex-girlfriend. He looks exactly like David Villa.

I've had this experience, and so have you. Why the hell would we want to relive it every weekend?