Former United player: Moyes should sign Bale

Dispatches from #batcountry is a daily series at Cartilage Free Captain where we examine ridiculous transfer rumors found on the internet and tell you why you shouldn't believe them. Why #batcountry? Because our own author The Sleeper's Sleep wrote a brilliant article last summer comparing the Silly Season™ to a scene from Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It seemed appropriate.

In another dispatch from the Why-Is-This-News province of #batcountry, former Manchester United winger Mickey Thomas has gone out on a limb and said that new United manager David Moyes should – get this – sign Gareth Bale.

It's not about the money, it's about getting the best players to your club and the message that sends out... If you can entice the best players it tells your rivals that you are going for the title again.

That's what the message has to be: ‘We've won it and now we are going to sign players from the top drawer to make sure we win it again'.

I love – and by "love" I mean "despise" – articles like this. This isn't a transfer rumor. This isn't a news release. This is an interview with a former United player who thinks that, shockingly, Gareth Bale is a pretty good footballer and would be a good signing for Manchester United. There's no news here. There's no there there. It's some guy saying Hey dood, r'member that guy Gareth Bale? United should, like, TOTALLY sign him. That'd be awesome.

As a corollary, OMG I love Leo Messi. Can you just, like, totally imagine Messi wearing Lilywhite for Tottenham? That'd be SO RAD! It'd, like, completely send a statement that we're gonna, like, win the league and junk. Daniel Levy needs to SHOW AMBITION and go out and sign Leo Messi!!!1!!1!!!!!ONE

Gareth Bale is not signing for Manchester United. That's it. End of story. FIN. To even entertain the notion would require you to suspend disbelief and imagine that Spurs would be willing to strengthen a direct rival by selling their best player, and that said club would be willing to pay a completely made-up absurd amount of money for Gareth Bale. Even Moyes seems to know this, because the only things linking Gareth Bale to another EPL club are in the fevered brains of hack journalists, crazed fans, and, well, Mickey Thomas.

Enjoy your stay in fantasy-land, Mickey. Because in your imagination is the only way you'll see Gareth Bale in a Red Devils shirt this fall.