Report: Gareth Bale "confident of move" to Real Madrid

Dispatches from #batcountry is a daily series at Cartilage Free Captain where we examine ridiculous transfer rumors found on the internet and tell you why you shouldn't believe them. Why #batcountry? Because our own author The Sleeper's Sleep wrote a brilliant article last summer comparing the Silly Season™ to a scene from Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It seemed appropriate.

The hits just keep on coming, boys and girls. The pro-Madrid Spanish paper MARCA put out another four-paragraph beauty today that states that Gareth Bale is "convinced" that he will be moving to Real Madrid this summer. The quote-free, FUCHT free article suggests that Bale is merely biding his time, and while he won't force the issue, he's hoping that high-level talks can result in an agreement.

"...Although he is not losing his patience he is currently awaiting further instructions.

...The player is not going to adopt any measure to pressure his current club Tottenham to sell him; rather he is hopeful the meeting between Daniel Levy and Florentino Pérez will be resolved with an agreement over his transfer...

That will be the moment when Bale will state his intention of signing for Real Madrid if there is any possibility at all of that happening. Without making any demands he will simply use the sporting arguments that such a move will mean to him."

What's remarkable about the article is not so much the idea that Bale might be moving to Madrid this summer. That's obviously a possibility or we wouldn't devote so much time to writing about it. No, what's truly amazing is that MARCA can write an entire article based around the supposition that they are able to READ GARETH BALE'S MIND. This is a power that does not exist in England, as Daniel Levy and Andre Villas-Boas clearly have no gateway to the neural pathways of Weezus. MARCA, on the other hand, must employ a cadre of at least four or five Level 8 mystics to be able to divine such truth from the mind of a footballer who lives 1000 miles away. Or maybe they've kidnapped Uri Geller and are holding him in Transfer Rumor Central in the MARCA headquarters, who knows?

My colleague The Sleeper's Sleep, after reading this article, suggested that there might be a sweat tent on the roof of the MARCA offices, and that writer Ulises Sánchez-Flor might simply have engaged in a vision quest. I'd further hypothesize, then, that the spirit animal of the entire MARCA staff would clearly have to be a giant freakin' bat. Because nothing else, including the entire premise of the article, makes any sort of sense.