Wednesday Morning Hoddle Of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News And Links For July 31, 2013

Happy Hump Day Spursland! While I can only speculate as to the nocturnal activities of our dear friend theroosevelts, I didn't notice a Hoddle in the editorial queue this morning, so in his stead you're stuck with me. ON MY HODDLE OF COFFEE DEBUT etc. etc. ad nauseam

And now the "news":

Bale reports for Tottenham duty, still has heart set on Madrid move- The Guardian

I strongly relate to the "psychological aspect" of the alleged buttock injury that Bale sustained and the potential effect it could have on his 'dream career move'. I still wake up in a cold sweat at night about the lifeguarding lessons I missed when I fractured my coccyx aged 13. Everything could've turned out so differently for me.

Jermain Defoe: Incredible Tottenham heading for next level- The Mirror

Whatever you say, you adorable pocket-sized journeyman.

Papiss Cisse wants to focus "100% on football" after Wonga kit row- BBC

A percentage roughly 1/10th of Wonga's representative APR, incidentally.

Joey Barton wants Everton move- The Daily Mail

Yes, yes, Joey, of course there's a place for you in my Everton side this year. Yes, of course you can be captain too. Kindly release me from this headlock now, there's a good lad.

Kieron Dyer announces retirement- The Independent

I imagine the realization that he has a perfectly comfortable bench in his back garden to spent 90 minutes on every Sunday staring off into the sky and contemplating the purpose of man's existence played some part in this decision.

No case for the defence as Aston Villa continue to leak goals- The Metro

I hear Villa have also introduced another booking surcharge on top of their ticket fees this week too. And there was me thinking that the club had finally gotten past those cash-strapped days when Randy Lerner made Martin O'Neill field a poster of Juan Pablo Angel up front for a whole season.

Liverpool issue offensive words list- The Guardian

Luis Suarez is alleged to have inquired as to who all the new players were on this teamsheet for the pre-season tour.