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Good morning Spursland! I've started to get a bit fidgety about how to ensure these opening blurbs stay zeitgeisty and entertaining yet also genuinely hard-hitting and if possible poignant for the whole week, but it's OK because some days the Universe just drops something right into my lap. Enjoy, everyone.
And now the "news"
Villas-Boas rules out selling Defoe and Sigurdsson- Sky Sports
Joke's on you, he had his fingers crossed! Good luck at Hull lads. Don't eat anything anyone offers you while you're there.
Ancelotti: Spurs target Fabio Coentrao thinking about leaving Real Madrid- Sports Mole
That's a great start. Every great adventure begins with a seedling of an idea, or whatever. Please just sign this piece of paper now.
Crystal Palace sign Marouane Chamakh on one-year deal- BBC Sport
I guarantee that by the end of next season he'll be given a contract extension. And by that I mean the club will staple an extra bit of paper to the bottom of his contract saying that he's awful.
Sunderland sign Ondrej Celustka on loan from from Trabzonspor- BBC Sport
Truly, our dream of constructing a team of Gary Rootbeers seems to be one which Paolo di Canio very much shares.
Jonny Evans says not much has changed at United under David Moyes- Sky Sports
Which is perfectly understandable. I mean, it must be difficult to make your mark on a club from your office in the Ferguson Room, taking lunch in the Sir Alex Canteen and having your team managed behind the scenes by Sir Alex Ferguson.
Gourcuff will have to take a pay cut to join Arsenal- ESPN
And Arsenal will have to take a quality cut to sign him. But not a very big one.
Laurent Blanc needs to make changes at PSG- SBNation
As someone who has clocked up over six million hours of playtime on FM13 alone, let me be so bold as to suggest the following three easy steps to success- 1) Hire an Assistant Manager with good motivational stats and let him take the team talks so you don't end up pissing off your whole team and ruining your League campaign by accidentally clicking "I have nothing to say" instead of "that was a good win". 2) Always suit up for Cup finals. 3) Most importantly of all, release Zlatan on a free. Just take the leap of faith with me on this one, Laurent.
Name the manager from the rant- Guardian
Can you tell your Ron Atkinsons from your Ian Dowies just from one quote? Why? Do you not even have like a park nearby that you can go and sit in or something? Yes I'm a little embittered over my 6/10.