Tottenham Hotspur doomed to defeat against Crystal Palace

Lennon's Eyebrow's article earlier today is absolutely adorable, but that kind of pie in the sky, boundless optimism has no place in Tottenham Hotspur fandom. Let's not kid ourselves. We're doomed. You know it. I know it. Daniel Levy knows it. Adele knows it. Why else do you think her songs are so sad?

They're sad because there's no possible way we can hope to beat Crystal Palace.

Fundamentally, we're at a disadvantage. They're named after a building built to show off the British Empire at its peak to the entire world. We're named after a guy named Percy. Our inferiority is baked into the cake here, guys.

It's the first game of the season. Our squad is integrating a hundred players. We're all unsettled by the Bale nonsense. Their squad is settled and its their first game back in the top flight in years AND its at home. You know they'll come out like a house of fire, ready to terrify our weak willed team of foreigners. They just got promoted on the back of a playoff! When's the last time we've won a playoff?

They're even run better than us. They sold their skinny winner for a bucket full of cash so they could reinvest in world class internationals like Marouane Chamakh, who free of Arsene Wenger's influence, will surely destroy us in the way that politics destroyed Hamsterdam. We're so foolish we won't even offload Gareth Bale for a world record transfer fee. How can we expect to invest in world class talent like Chamahk or Kevin Phillips if we wait until the last minute to get the money to really do our business? Who have we signed? An over the hill spanish striker? A guy named little Paul?

We come into the game with an unsettled backline having sold the heart of our team and living legend Steven Caulker while they still have their core team together, the one that scrapped through the Championship and won their way into the Premier League, which is more than we've done in ages. Their elite front line of Chamakh's unshackled talent and Kevin Phillips' eight decades of footballing experience is going to tear us to shreds on Sunday. We certainly aren't going to crack their defense with our uncreative midfield that still has not recovered from the loss of Rafael Van Der Vaart. And without Bale our only hope for a goal is if Palace's owners decide to be merciful and sign David James and his haircut to patrol their net.

Oh sweet merciful jesus this is it. This is the end. We'll be relegated for sure on Sunday.

RIP THFC, you guys. It's been real.