The many fates of Gareth Bale

From: Kevin McCauley [redacted@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2013 7:45 PM
To: Cartilage Free Captain Staff [redacted@gmail.com]
Subj: Gareth Bale's sale and my upcoming vacation
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Gareth Bale's future looks set to be decided imminently, with the announcement of his inevitable departure to Real Madrid looking like nothing more than a formality at this point. But we all know that anything can happen in #batcountry. During silly season, deals can come out of nowhere and others can collapse at the drop of a fax machine. And we need to be ready for it.

I'll be on vacation for the rest of the transfer window, so I won't be around to get the news up as soon as it breaks. But I wanted to be prepared no matter what the club announces, so I've drafted several different statements, covering any eventuality, for you to publish as soon as Bale's future is decided.

• Real Madrid failed to meet Tottenham Hotspur's valuation of Gareth Bale and with only minutes left in the transfer window, it looks like Spurs will keep their star man after all.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today for a record transfer fee of £93m. The Welsh winger will be unveiled to the Madrid faithful this weekend at the Bernabeu.
  
  
• In a shock move, Gareth Bale has rejected the overtures of Real Madrid to stay and win titles with Tottenham Hotspur.
  
  
• In a shock move, Gareth Bale has rejected the overtures of Real Madrid to stay and win titles with Tottenham Hotspur. Unfortunately, the failure to recoup his expected transfer fee has plunged the club into bankruptcy after Daniel Levy overextended the clubs finances by buying forty-seven central midfielders on deadline day.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today, but pursuant to the terms of the contract Real Madrid is now a subsidiary of Tottenham Hotspur. Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy has since dissolved the Madrid club entirely and absorbed all assets into the North London side. Mutiny appears on the horizon as Sergio Ramos and several others have already voiced complaints about the food and weather in London.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today for a record transfer fee of £93m. The Welsh winger will be unveiled to the Madrid faithful this weekend at the Bernabeu wearing nothing but nipple clamps and a fedora.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today for a record transfer fee of £93m. At the Welsh winger's unveiling at the Bernabeu it turned out that Real Madrid had accidentally signed Kenneth McEvoy instead. It looks like Real Madrid are stuck with the Bale lookalike, as Daniel Levy fiendishly included a "no take-backs" clause in the deal.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today for a record transfer fee of £93m. The Welsh winger will be unveiled to the Madrid faithful this weekend at the Bernabeu where he will fight Cristiano Ronaldo to the death in a steel cage to determine who will take free kicks this season.
  
  
• Gareth Bale agreed terms to join Real Madrid today for a record transfer fee of £93m. Real Madrid funded the transfer by borrowing heavily from every major bank in Spain, inadvertently bankrupting the entire Iberian peninsula. Sources predict the Welsh winger will be the first casualty in the eventual uprising.
  
  
• Gareth Bale rejected a move from Real Madrid today, signalling his devotion for Tottenham Hotspur by getting a tattoo of Andre Villas-Boas's face on his face.
  
  
• Gareth Bale and Andre Villas-Boas went on an expedition to the Middle East today to recover the Ark of the Covenant. Real Madrid president Florentino Perez's attempted theft of the vessel for God's commandments was thwarted when he tragically met a face-melting death upon opening it.
  
  
• Tragedy today as former Spurs winger Gareth Bale was eaten by wolves ahead of his unveiling at Real Madrid. He was delicious.