EPL Week Two Open Thread

Well, we move on to week two of the English Premier League season. Story lines are already beginning to emerge. Can Chelsea prove themselves title contenders by beating Manchester United? Can Arsenal right the ship after a home loss to Aston Villa? Is Alan Pardew just an elaborate allegory for a shackle which has taken human form? WHO SHOT PHIL? Regardless, here's your open thread to discuss all that and laugh at funny things that happen.

Here are the ground rules:

1. No links to illegal streams in the comments.
2. No derogatory language directed towards players, referees, or other users. It's fine to say "Player X is having a bad game" or even "Player X is playing like s**t today," but it is NOT okay to say "Player X is s**t" or "DIE IN A FIRE, PLAYER X," or the like. Comments such as those will be ruthlessly deleted and will resort in warnings and/or bans.
3. Any racist, sexist, or homophobic language or inappropriate .gifs are cause for an insta-ban. You've been warned.
4. Follow Wheaton's Law. "Don't be a d**k."
5. Above all, have fun!