New to the player ratings post? Every game, we do player ratings according to a different theme. Player ratings for this past weekend's game were done to the theme of one-hit wonders from the 1980s. Previously, we've done pizza toppings and seasons of The Wire.
We're expecting Gareth Bale to go to Real Madrid this week, so I figured we'd do something related to that. Player ratings for Tottenham Hotspur's 3-0 Europa League win over Dinamo Tbilisi are done to the theme of ... breakup songs!
5 stars - "Call Tyrone" by Erykah Badu
This is how I feel about Gareth Bale. He just wants to hang out in Madrid all the time and doesn't care about us anymore? Well he can call Cristiano to have him help get his shit from Enfield.
Younes Kaboul - Any doubts about whether or not Younes is fit anymore? This was an incredible boss performance from him. Absolutely flawless.
Jan Vertonghen - Same. I know that Dinamo Tbilisi sucks, but it wouldn't be shocking if this was the best central defense pairing in the Premier League by the end of the season.
Lewis Holtby - A very nice assist, a rocket of a goal. That's good enough for 5 stars on its own, but the way he moved the ball throughout the game was excellent too.
Jermain Defoe - Not only were his finishes great, but his off the ball movement and passing were too. It was a complete performance from Jermain.
4 stars - "Gone to the Movies" by Semisonic
One of the great breakup songs about someone who has come to terms with the fact that the breakup is their fault and the person they're breaking up with is better off for it.
Kyle Naughton - Wasn't tested much, but didn't put a foot wrong.
Brad Friedel - Ditto.
Kyle Walker - Was excellent until he was subbed off. He's trying crazy stuff more often and I don't hate it.
Tom Carroll - He cooled off a bit for the first 15 minutes of the second half, but in the first half and from the 60th minute to the end of the game, he was excellent.
Sandro - A great return performance from him. He had a couple of clumsy moments including a dumb yellow card, but he looked most of the way back.
Andros Townsend - Another solid and dangerous-looking performance.
3 stars - "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler
Do you know why this was the perfect song for The Dan Band to make funnier just by cursing? Because it's entirely average.
Gylfi Sigurdsson - He had way more bad giveaways than Carroll or Holtby, but his excellent assist bumps him up to this category.
Zeki Fryers - Did nothing good or bad after coming on, mostly because our opponents were poor.
Moussa Dembele - Ditto.
2 stars - "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional
Dashboard is the perfect teenage emo band. This song is the perfect teenage emo song, which means it inherently sucks. But it gets 2 stars instead of 1 because we all remember this phase of our lives.
Harry Kane - When you come on as a forward against a crap team and your team is controlling the game, you should probably touch the ball in a meaningful way a few times.
1 star - "When It's Over" by Sugar Ray
Was Sugar Ray the worst or what?
None of our players are as shitty as "When It's Over" or any song by Sugar Ray, for that matter.
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