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Gareth Bale intensifies war on Spurs

The young forward's desperate attempts not to play football for Tottenham Hotspur were taken to a new level this morning as he turned up to play some football with other Spurs players.

Trying to defend himself against the raining blows
Trying to defend himself against the raining blows
Laurence Griffiths

Gareth Bale has officially started to turn up the heat on Spurs by arriving to training a full five minutes late. In the wake of this morning's earth-shattering news, Cartilage Free Captain can exclusively reveal that the Welsh wizard has persistently attempted to force through his long-awaited transfer to Madrid throughout the day through a series of calculated and devious maneuvers. His vast arsenal of nefarious tactics has included: failing to wipe down a used teaspoon in a direct breach of club canteen rules, shutting but not locking his cubicle door during a trip to the gents to further alienate his teammates, shooting a series of 'overtly transfer-ish' glances in the direction of head coach Andre Villas-Boas, and forcing us to use the word "arsenal" earlier in this sentence.

The formal ramping-up of Bale's long-game plan to escape the sadistic organisation (which cruelly forces him to do something he loves every single day for a paltry £100,000 per week) was heralded by the forward's arrival on the training ground with of Queen's 'I Want To Break Free' queued up on his car stereo, a tactic clearly designed to demoralise the stubbornly resistant Villain-Bully on numerous levels.

The cold war between Bale and Villas-Boo'as only intensified from this point onwards as Bale refused to run full sprint during the warmup drills, citing the after-effects of a 'meniscus strain'- a presumably fictitious part of the anatomy which the CFC staff could not locate despite eight minutes of intensive research. The transparency of this ploy was revealed not three hours later when Bale was successfully able to run, contest for headers and even score a stunning bicycle kick during a simulated match carried out on FIFA 13 in the clubhouse after training.

Most startlingly of all, Bale is alleged in the late afternoon to have directly contravened WannaKillas-Bale-as' express club policy by acknowledging the existence of the youth team, chatting to (former) prospects such as Thomas Carroll and Harry Kane and even giving them a football to kick around for a bit.

The press is currently awaiting a statement from Harry Redknapp, widely believed for all intents and purposes to still be the Tottenham manager.

If you're not fully awake, this is satire. Thanks to Lennon's Eyebrow for making this a collaborative effort.

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