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Spurs Doomed Against Cardiff City

Hello Wales, my old friend.

Pull up your pants and lean back
Pull up your pants and lean back
Stu Forster

Tottenham Hotspur somehow managed to purchase an impressive group of players this summer. One could almost use it as a foundation for hope, until one realizes that we were able to do this solely because we are their way station on the way to Madrid.

Even though they are ours now, do not let that lead to false hope. We are completely doomed this sunday against Cardiff City and it is all down to one man, the owner of Cardiff City: Vincent Tan.

Look at him. Just look at him. LOOK. AT. HIM.

He looks like Psy had a baby with John Waters and it took a bath in a McDonald's grease trap. He wears his pants up to his nipples. He got into a needless fight with Cardiff supporters to change the color of their shirt WHICH HE THEN TUCKS INTO HIS PANTS which, lest we forget, are hoisted up to his man boobs. Yet he is worth an estimated $1.3 BILLION. Think about how smart THAT dude must be to make THAT kind of money.

All of this clearly means he is an evil genius with an unparalleled intellect.

Lest you doubt my theory, look at Cardiff City. They are paying Fraizer Campbell to play football. In 2013. In the Premier League. Their other striker is a 20 year old from the Danish league. And somehow they not only beat Manchester City, but did with Fraizer scoring 2 goals.

Do I even need to say what kind of crazy, next level, three dimensional chess Cardiff must be playing to accomplish such an insane feat? Sure we have a better team, a better stadium, and no need to pretend to know how to spell things in Welsh, but they have Vincent Tan. This guy is thirteen steps ahead of anything AVB could anticipate. He has already anticipated everything Daniel Levy could ever offer him. HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK HE CONVINCED US TO SELL STEVEN CAULKER. WE'RE OUT OF OUR ELEMENT DONNY.

Of course our element is the Premier League. Which we'll be out of when we get relegated to the Egyptian Second Division on Sunday.