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Tottenham Hotspur vs. Aston Villa: Player ratings to the theme of cereal mascots

Featuring drug addicts and mentally ill tiny Irishmen.

Laurence Griffiths

Don't 4-0 wins feel good? I think that 4-0 wins feel good. Tottenham Hotspur beat Aston Villa 4-0 in the League Cup on Tuesday, so we're going to be pretty generous with our player ratings. Today, ratings are done to the theme of ... breakfast cereal mascots!

5 stars - Tony the Tiger

All Tony the Tiger wants to do is play with you and tell you about how awesome Frosted Flakes are. He's a giving Tiger and he endorses the heck out of his product. He also has a fantastic, but simple catchphrase. Flawless.

Lewis Holtby - Three assists! Three! Eat it, Mesut Özil!

Jermain Defoe - His brace was obviously great, but for me, the highlight of his day was his assist to Nacer Chadli.

4 stars - Count Chocula

Also gets points for simply wanting kids to try his delicious cereal. His castle from the 90s/early 2000s is baller shit. However, vampires are inherently less cool than tigers.

Brad Friedel - No huge saves, but no mistakes either.

Kyle Walker - Recovered nicely from whatever knock he picked up. Completely shut down his flank.

Jan Vertonghen - A couple of shaky moments, but it was mostly a standard Johnny Verts performance.

Paulinho - He seems to be figuring out what his role should be in his midfield and making fewer mistakes in the final third. Then again, Villa played a B-team. Also, he had a nice goal.

Sandro - A three-star first half and a five-star second half evens out to this.

Erik Lamela - His movement off the ball was spectacular. It didn't seem like Holtby and Defoe knew how to play with him, though.

Nacer Chadli - He scored a goal!

3 stars - Cap'n Crunch

A thoroughly mediocre mascot for a thoroughly mediocre cereal.

Zeki Fryers - He was fine, though he got skinned by Marc Albrighton on a couple of occasions. I'm still not sure he's ever going to fulfill his potential and become a first team regular, but I won't be terrified if we have to play him in a real game. He's looking like a qualified backup these days.

Harry Kane - Did nothing of note and nothing horrible. Most of his first half was shaky. He didn't appear to have the same confidence that he does in U-21 games for Spurs and England. It's Villa's reserves, dude! You're good enough for this!

Mousa Dembele - Had a perfectly decent cameo.

Michael Dawson - Ditto.

2 stars - Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Come on! Just one Cocoa Puff! Just one! Pleaaaaaase! I'll do anything! I'll su-

Vlad Chiriches - I'm not burying him. I don't think he stinks. He'll turn into a good signing. But this was not a good performance from him. He was extremely shaky. I have faith that he'll come good.

1 star - Lucky the Leprechaun

He's a paranoid schizophrenic who refuses to let anyone try his cereal. Need I say more?

None of our players suck as much as Lucky the Leprechaun.

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