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Tottenham doomed against Chelsea because of course we are

Hello Jose, my old friend.

Andrea Villas Duckface
Andrea Villas Duckface
Laurence Griffiths

Tottenham Hotspur play Chelsea Football Club this weekend. Let's get this out of the way right now. We are going to lose. There is no way we are going to win this game. As the french are fond of saying, we're le boned.

You see, there are arguments that we are set up to win this game. We bought well over the summer. AVB has the team playing well. We have some of the best young attacking talent in Europe. We have a rock solid midfield that can't be pushed off the ball and can run for days. We have one of the most prolific strikers from La Liga. And we a defensive record that would make the proudest Juve fan weep into his betting slips in shame.

Meanwhile, Chelsea are unsettled under Jose Mourinho, his second reign not going nearly as well as his first. Chelsea's best two players from the last two years have been placed on the bench because Jose apparently enjoys playing things in hard mode. The Special One has also brought a new array of tactics back from his international experience in Spain and Italy, giving Chelsea the offensive ambition of a coma patient with cinder blocks tied extremities.

There is a real case to be made for Tottenham beating Chelsea at White Hart Lane this weekend. But we all know that this case is bullshit, because no matter what tactics AVB employs, Chelsea will find a way to win. Of course, I don't mean that they'll dig deep and gut out a win when not playing well or out coach AVB. I mean Chelsea will do what they always do: ride their unbelievable luck to victory.

Here's how its gonna go: Spurs will score first. Whether its a Danny Rose-esque strike that will seal Andros Townsend's place in Tottenham's history or a goal from an intricate series of passes that spell out Tom Carroll's name with a heart under it on the Stat Zone app. The how is not important. We'll score first and dominate possession in the first half. Then it'll turn into a boring defensive affair after half time.

That's when Eden Hazard will hit the ball long. It will hit a stray flock of geese passing over head, fall to the ground, and bounce off of Sandro's head. This is the point at which the ball ricochets off three of our defensive players and passes through a dimensional vortex. Arriving in the Marvel universe, the ball will then trigger a war between Thanos and the trans temporal forces of Kang the Conqueror. It will then be carried to Earth in the ensuing conflict where the Spot will accidentally transport it back to our Earth, almost immediately in front of Michael Dawson, who will whiff on a clearance, allowing the ball to pass into a goal left open by Hugo Lloris, who stepped outside for a cigarette. Because we've all seen this before, right?

Then after a dour second half, a clearance over the top will somehow pass through Heurelho Gomes' legs, even though he's not on the field, for a winning goal for Chelsea at the last second. Because of course.

I realize this is an unlikely scenario, but even if they don't win at the last minute, their luck makes our loss and subsequent descent to the Japanese third division a tragic inevitability.


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