We had the North London Derby on Sunday, then deadline day on Monday, then I decided to sleep for most of the day on Tuesday because I was really tired. It's international week, so we don't have a game for a while. Therefore, we're rolling out some post-Arsenal content on Wednesday.
If you're new to these posts, we set player ratings to a different theme after each game. This edition of player ratings is set to the theme of ... Coen Brothers movies! I apologize if your favorite isn't listed, these guys have done a lot of really good movies. I could put a few in the four- and five-star categories. Obviously I have to leave out some good stuff. Sorry we have no Big Lebowski (my other 5 star), Barton Fink or Fargo (my other 4 stars) on this list.
5 stars - No Country For Old Men
This movie absolutely deserved all of its Academy Awards and is more or less a perfect film. If you thought it was boring or that the ending was crap, you're a bad person. Like actually a bad human being. The ending is perfect and what makes the movie one with an actual freaking point, as opposed to just a cool slasher flick.
Hugo Lloris - He's been flawless in every single game we've played this season. It might be a bad sign that our best player is our goalkeeper, but he's our best player.
Jan Vertonghen - While Danny Rose and Michael Dawson had rough games, he didn't put a foot wrong.
Kyle Walker - Ditto. I'd say Walker was our best defender, all things considered. Not only is he good going forward, but he made no big defensive errors. Though, he was definitely aided in that by the fact that Santi Cazorla cut inside constantly.
4 stars - O Brother, Where Art Thou?
While the writing in this one isn't quite up to the "classic" level of No Country For Old Men or The Big Lebowski, this is a hilarious and unique movie. I still listen to "Man Of Constant Sorrow" frequently.
Danny Rose - Yes, he didn't exactly cover himself in glory on the Arsenal goal, but I'd say it was a bit more down to the errors of Etienne Capoue and Michael Dawson than him. Otherwise, he had a very solid game.
Andros Townsend - While the end product wasn't really there from him, he was by far our most dangerous attacking player.
3 stars - Raising Arizona
It's funny and it's enjoyable, but let's be real. It's obvious this is their first "good" movie. They still had a lot of growing to do as filmmakers in every way. It's just okay, especially by their standards.
Roberto Soldado - Didn't do anything wrong, didn't make a serious impact. He's always going to be as good as his service. Lewis Holtby and Christian Eriksen need to get fit and blended into the squad, respectably. It's unlikely we're going to see much from Soldado unless one of those two is playing.
Nacer Chadli - Had some okay moments, but didn't create anything.
Paulinho - Ditto. Though his decision making in the final third was less terrible than in the previous games.
Etienne Capoue - He's usually a stable player who does nothing wrong, but nothing spectacular either. We saw Bizarro Capoue on Sunday. He had some moments of brilliance to go along with some moments of sheer idiocy. It was very weird.
Erik Lamela - Didn't really have time to show his stuff.
Sandro - Was fine, but not spectacular.
2 stars - Burn After Reading
We all love the Peter Crouch GIF, but that's the best thing to come out of this film. It's better than the average commercially viable film with a large cast of famous actors, but it's one of the Coen Brothers' worst. There's nothing particularly interesting about it and the plot is kind of a clustereff.
Michael Dawson - I love Daws as much as he loves the club, but he should be our fourth central defender. He's a nice mid-table starter and a decent backup for a top four team. He's slow and he's still prone to the occasional mental error. It's okay to admit that a player you love isn't good enough.
Jermain Defoe - Not really his fault, but he did absolutely nothing.
Mousa Dembele - Let's spend an entire year teaching a guy a new position, then throw him into his old position and ask him to do things that we beat out of him!
1 star - The Ladykillers
Let's forget this ever happened.
None of our players are as bad as The Ladykillers.