Your Team Is Getting Relegated: Manchester City

At least Manchester Utd.'s shadow won't reach all the way to the Championship.

In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain 55thVin will preview each opponent Manchester City before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.

If you're a Manchester City supporter, get ready to avenge your 2013 FA Cup loss to Wigan twice next year. Your team sucks and you're getting relegated.

Your club sucks: You played at Maine Road which should have been called the "Yo-Yo Road" and when you finally came up in the world and got a nice sparkly new stadium, you quickly renamed the City of Manchester Stadium "the Etihad" so that anyone visiting or watching would maybe forget they were witnessing a Manchester City match. Well done.

That was strange considering that your claim to fame for decades was: "we are actually from Manchester!"

In addition, Ricky Hatton is only a fan because when he heard the singing of "Blue Moon" from down the street, he assumed the crowd was singing about beer or ice cream. Poor bastard has addictions, you soulless monsters, and you sucked him in.

On top of that, your supporters stole the Poznan from Lech Poznan. Really? Stealing from Polish football for your own glory and gain. Who do you think you are, the German national team?

Your owner sucks: Oh, Sheik Mansour! He saved the club. He made it respectable to wear a city shirt again! What. A. Man. Listen, I don't claim to be some economic scholar here, but I'm pretty sure if I sank upwards of a billion dollars in something, I would want it to work all the time, not only when I'm at home. This is also a man who, early on, hired Mark Hughes to run his new world order. That is a turd stain in the drawers that will never wash away, Sheik. Never.

Your last season sucked: Remember when you thought Joe Hart was good. He wasn't.

Also, way to lose to Wigan when a trophy was on the line. At least Liverpool lost to a Wimbledon side that had Vinnie Jones scaring the living shit out of everybody on the pitch. What was your excuse? I am willing to admit that having such a conglomeration of petulance and assholedom with both Roberto Mancini and Samir Nasri on the same payroll may have created a time-space continuum chasm in which up became down, left was right, and Wigan were capable of winning a trophy. That or, well, your team sucked.

To top it off, you sacked Mancini--the very man to deliver your only silverware in a generation. Mancini has put "malocchio" on your club so hard that you will be lucky if you aren't sterile by the time you're done reading this article, forget playing in the Prem next year.

Your coach sucks: Play that "sexy", "adventurous" 4-2-2-2 all you like. He's still a Real Madrid flameout. Enjoy the sloppy seconds. At least he doesn't strip to the waist and attempt to fight players after training. It's the small things when you support City, really.

Your players suck: Samir Nasri is a human tapeworm, Martin DeMichelis looks like he should be the tambourine player for a Hootie and the Blowfish cover band, and Yaya Toure is a lazy bum compared to his brother--a man capable of holding down a job as a professional footballer and successful car salesman. Seriously, when Joe Hart isn't your biggest problem, your players suck.

Your new signings suck: Fernandinho is a ninny and I'm pretty sure that Stevan Jovetic was a figment of Ed Francis' imagination that, while real enough to haunt Ed's tear filled nights, never really existed.

Why you may escape the drop: The world gets lost in Jesus Navas' eyes and forgets about football matches. New society arises with its sole focus trying to see god in those sexy, baby blues.

Good luck with the rest of your season; you're doomed.

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