Despite getting totally steamrolled (again) by Manchester City and conceding forty-seven penalties, there were actually some pretty positive performances. Way to go guys. But it was still a horrorshow out there, and in honor of this frightful debacle we rate our players to the theme of Halloween treats.
10 Stars - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups/Butterfinger
Peanut butter + chocolate is the perfect candy combination. A full size Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is basically the holy grail of Halloween candy. It is perfection. But even Reese's minis, pieces, or Butterfingers and their sweet peanut-buttery goodness will do in a pinch.
Ryan Mason - In only three Premier League starts against some of the league's toughest opposition, Mason has not only held his own, but excelled. His tackle started the counter attack that led to our only goal, and he should have scored earlier when put through by Soldado. Mason was absolutely everywhere on Saturday, putting in challenges and driving the ball forward. I love this kid.
9 Stars - Whoppers
A lot of people don't like malted chocolate, and those people are broken inside. You probably just don't have a sophisticated enough palate to appreciate the subtle nuances of awesomeness that are happening in your mouth when you eat a Whopper. And I feel sorry for you. Everybody else, you know what I'm talkin' about.
Hugo Lloris - Saved a penalty and made a string of awesome saves to deny City's fairly rampant attack. Despite conceding 4 goals, it would have been way uglier were it not for our French keeper. Please please please never leave us.
8 Stars - Milky Way/Snickers/Three Musketeers/Twix
You'll get about a million of these every Halloween and that's perfectly ok with everybody. You may have your favorite, but they're all fairly interchangeable chocolate + caramel treats. Nobody's going to complain about getting too many Milky Ways for Halloween.
Christian Eriksen - Gradually getting back to the level he was at last year. Scored our only goal and generally ran our attack.
7 Stars - Blow Pops
If you're a fan of hard candy, these guys are the top of the hard candy game. From Watermelon, to Sour Apple to Strawberry to the king of them all, the mighty Blue Raspberry, there's something for everyone. Their overly sweet flavors barely mask their obviously artificial chemical origins, but when you're sucking that thing down to the core it's hard to care. And then you get a tiny terrible piece of gum for your trouble.
Roberto Soldado - Helped our attack click in a way it rarely has all season. Linked up great with our attacking midfielders, assited our goal and he could have had another. He also won a penalty. But then he proceeded to miss said penalty and all of his other chances. So good at everything but scoring. Will he ever remember how to hit the back of the net?
6 Stars - Star Bursts
Two-pack of chewy candy goodness. Any time you open one that's double pink, it's like a small miracle in the palm of your hand. But the flip side is the double orange, the scourge of every child's candy-coated dreams.
Nacer Chadli - Contributed well to the attack and frequently looked dangerous. He's getting better and better at involving himself in games besides just popping up with the occasional goal.
5 Stars - M&Ms/Skittles
Despite radically different flavor profiles, they're essentially identical on the candy hierarchy. You get a pack of small round things that are pretty good and you probably likely them but ultimately they're not setting any pulses racing.
Danny Rose - Probably the only member of our defensive corps to emerge with any credit. Got caught out too far forward a few times but mostly continues to be excellent. One of the only people to not give up a penalty, so that's someting.
4 Stars - Tootsie Rolls
Another candy staple you get by the million after trick-or-treating. There's nothing wrong with them, and at first they're even pretty enjoyable. But the sheer overwhelming volume quickly numbs you to the excitement of yet another Tootsie Roll.
Eric Dier - Solid if unspectacular. Gave nothing going forward, but acquitted himself decently well at right back.
Erik Lamela - At fault for the first two goals (albeit rather unfairly for the penalty). But going forward he was mostly almost really good. Just not quite there yet.
3 Stars - Candy Corn
Some people really hate Candy Corn, but that's almost as weird as people who really love it. Candy Corn should not engender strong feelings in anyone. It sits in a bowl and you eat it because it's candy and it's in front of you and you never really enjoy it but the weirdness of what just happened lingers on the back of your tongue and a few minutes later you think maybe I should have another piece of candy corn and then you do and then you realize Candy Corn is pointless but a minute later you start thinking again....
Federico Fazio - Really rough debut that ended with an early shower (again perhaps a little unfairly). Strong in the air and put in some decent challenges, but his distribution from the back was appalling. And then the whole bit where he conceded a third penalty and got sent off when the game was only 2-1 and we still had a shot and basically single-handedly cost us the game. But he'll probably be better next time.
Younes Kaboul - Woof. Not many defenders are going to keep up with Aguero this season, so it's perhaps hard to judge him for failing. But he looked completely outmatched and gave away a completely stupid penalty.
2 Stars - Smarties
No, not the pseudo-M&M's you folks in Canada and England and probably other parts of the world are used to. Those things are great. The Smarties we in America suffer through are skinny rolls of tiny chalk wafers. They suck and are completely indefensible as candy. Nobody on earth likes them, including the people who give them to you. They know they're terrible, and they do it anyway. These people are monsters.
Etienne Capoue - Frequently missed challenges and gave up possession sloppily. Constantly exposed in the middle of the park and Ryan Mason was forced to do the work of two men. Perhaps he just looked bad in comparison to the high standard he's set for himself this season, but he was not good.
1 Star - Raisins/Non-candy
Some people think giving out pencils or toothbrushes or loose change is the worst thing you can do to someone on Halloween. And it's definitely bad. But it's not as bad as raisins. The guy who gives you a pencil knows exactly what he's doing, and it sucks for you, but he's chosen to make some weird political statement about Halloween and that's his right.
The person who gives you raisins? F*%k that guy. That guy is making some anti-candy statement but has deluded himself into thinking he's giving you something you want, a sweet treat in lieu of all that artificial candy garbage. No kid has ever gotten a box of raisins for Halloween and been so moved by the power of natural sugar they've renounced their gluttonous ways. This person deserves to have their house egged/rolled/burned to the ground with their children locked inside screaming for help but instead all they get is raisins.
Nobody was as bad as getting raisins on Halloween.