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Lukas Podolski linked with Tottenham Hotspur for some reason

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Bad English media. Bad. No dinner for you. Go straight to your room.

Simon Hofmann

Lukas Podolski has been linked with a £10m move to Tottenham Hotspur.

No. Really. I swear I'm not messing with you. He has.

Now first of all, let's get this out of the way: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL this is never happening. The article is from Caught Offsides, who suck, and it is basically a mad libs transfer article that could be applied to almost any team or transfer target. It's not happening. It's like buying David Bentley without any of the potential. But let's take a moment and work through the reasons that this transfer may or may not happen.

Reasons that Lukas Podolski could come to Tottenham Hotspur:

  1. A secret ground sharing conspiracy with Arsenal where we can use the Emirates if we take Podolski off their hands.
  2. North London is at the center of a Freemason conspiracy to institute a bold new world order controlled by a single world government that will rob mankind of its free will and be run from the money changing halls of the Emirates and the money to be obtained from a transfer of Lukas Podolski is the cornerstone of their master plan.
  3. North London is at the center of an Illuminati conspiracy to institute a bold new world order controlled by the dread elder gods who suck hope and light from the world from their dark place of slumber and the money to be obtained from a transfer of Lukas Podolski is the cornerstone of their master plan.
  4. Cocaine
  5. No seriously, a LOT of cocaine
  6. I mean I'm talking about Rob Ford levels of cocaine.
  7. We don't have enough crappy players who take selfies.

Reasons that Lukas Podolski will not come to Tottenham Hotspur:

  1. He sucks.