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Tottenham international break preview spectacular!

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Spurs sneak around the world from Kiev to Carolina, They're keepers and strikers from Berlin down to Belize, They'll keep a clean sheet on a cruddy pitch in China, Tell me where in the world are Tottenham Internationals?

Ian Walton

Well the international break is here and that means no Spurs for 2 weeks. And that sucks. But that doesn't mean there's not any football going on! Tottenham's players will be going far and wide to play with their national teams over the next few weeks.

However the quality of international games is always questionable. It's always difficult to know if you should watch or not. Fortunately for you, Cartilage Free Captain is here to break down the matches, which of our players are participating, and whether or not they are worth your valuable time with our expert analysis.

* * *

The Match: France vs. Portgual

When is it: Saturday, October 11

Who's Playing in it: Hugo Lloris

Why should I watch: Remember AVB? Screw that guy. He sucked and I want to punish him in every way possible. Well he's Portuguese so let's all get together and watch Tottenham's world class keeper embarrass his home nation. Also it's an excuse to eat Iberian ham. Always take advantage of an excuse to eat Iberian ham.

Why shouldn't I watch: Do you like sunburns and clove cigarettes? Of course not, you right thinking individual who reads this site. Don't watch this game or it'll hurt to move and you'll smell like the inside of one of Hugo's gloves.

* * *

The Match: France vs. Armenia

When is it: Tuesday, October 14

Who's Playing in it: Hugo Lloris

Why should I watch: If you ever wanted to see Hugo smoke a cigarette and read Sartre while leaning on the goalpost, this is probably your best chance.

Why shouldn't I watch: The Armenian National Team is known as the Havakakan, which translates into "the Collective Team," which is somehow the least intimidating name in world football. I can only imagine the chants at their stadium. "IN-EFFICIENT AGRI-CULTURE CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP"

* * *

The Match:Belgium vs. Andorra

When is it: Friday, October 10

Who's Playing in it: Jan Vertonghen, Mousa Dembele, Nacer Chadli

Why should I watch: You can't become a body language expert for Jan without studying him in ALL circumstances and this will probably be the most comfortable win he'll have in a while (sigh) so watch this match. Examine every line on his face, every part of his slouch, and every light jog he makes. That way, when you accuse him of not trying for the club, you'll really know what you're talking about.

Why shouldn't I watch: Throughout the entire history of the Andorran National Team, they have beaten Albania, Belarus, and Macedonia. That's it. While that would be an impressive showing in Eurovision (I mean, seriously impressive), it is not as impressive in the world of international soccer.

* * *

The Match: Belgium vs. Bosnia Herzegovina

When is it: Monday, October 13

Who's Playing in it: Jan Vertonghen, Mousa Dembele, Nacer Chadli

Why should I watch: Dzeko! Pjanic! Lukaku! Hazard! It's a virtual cavalcade of guys we were linked to but didn't sign! Watch them dazzle on the international stage and drive you to drink!

Why shouldn't I watch: Dzeko! Pjanic! Lukaku! Hazard! It's a virtual cavalcade of guys we were linked to but didn't sign! Watch them dazzle on the international stage and drive you to drink!

* * *

The Match: Togo vs. Uganda

When is it: Saturday, October 11; Wednesday, October 15

Who's Playing in it: Emmanuel Adebayor

Why should I watch: Oh you think you're a fancy soccer hipster because you don't root for a front running team! You root for Tottenham! You follow an underdog and aren't a lazy glory hunter! Well you know nothing Jonjo. You think you can call yourself a football hipster? Shut your mouth and go watch some AFCON qualifiers. Imagine the smug superiority you'll feel at your Williamsburg evaporated scotch bar as you twirl your handle bar mustache and tell that supporter in a Chelsea jersey about the passing range of the Ugandan midfield.

I know. It makes me crave a PBR too.

Why shouldn't I watch: Pretty sure the rest of the world only watches AFCON matches when Cote d'Ivoire is blowing it in a final. So you should be able to skip this one.

* * *


The Match: Argentina vs. Brazil

When is it: Saturday, October 11

Who's Playing in it: Erik Lamela. Maybe. We can't figure out if they're letting non-domestic players participate in this Superclasico de las Americas.

Why should I watch: Brazil called up Kaka so I'm sure things are going super for Brazil after that World Cup. That or they got a time machine. So, hey, time travel. That's your reason to watch.

Why shouldn't I watch: Paulinho didn't get a call up which will make it harder for him to get sold. No call up, no peace.

* * *

The Match: Argentina vs. Hong Kong

When is it: Tuesday, October 14th

Who's Playing in it: Erik Lamela

Why should I watch: It might remind you to go watch some awesome kung fu movies.

Why shouldn't I watch: Unless Hong Kong sends out an XI that includes Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Jet Li, Donnie Yen, Stephen Chow, Bruce Lee, Gordon Liu, Sonny Chiba, Michelle Yeoh, Pei Pei Cheng, and Chow Yun Fat, I'm pretty sure they're going to be overmatched. What I'm saying is that they're not going to kick enough.

* * *

The Match: Algeria vs. Malawi

When is it: Saturday, October 10; Wednesday October 15

Who's Playing in it: Nabil Bentaleb

Why should I watch: This game is the Desert Foxes versus the Flames. THAT. IS. AWESOME!

DESERT FOXES! THE FLAMES! Screw analyzing matches, let's get Caley to figure out how every African team has a completely amazing nickname for their soccer team and the best America can do is the Yanks! I'm going to blame American Arsenal fans. I already blame them for the "I believe that we will win" chant, so why stop there? Anyway: DESERT FOXES! FLAMES! SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY!

Why shouldn't I watch: You don't feel like venturing to that temple from the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark to find a working stream for this game.

* * *

The Match: Wales vs. Bosnia Herzegovina

When is it:  Friday, October 10

Who's Playing in it: Ben Davies.

Why should I watch: Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Bale1

Why shouldn't I watch: I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile.

Bale 2

* * *

The Match: Wales vs. Cyprus

When is it: Monday, October 13

Who's Playing in it: Ben Davies.

Why should I watch: You're all I've ever wanted.

Bale 3

Why shouldn't I watch: And my arms are open wide.

Bale 4

* * *

The Match: Denmark vs. Albania

When is it: Saturday, October 11

Who's Playing in it: Christian Eriksen

Why should I watch: Christian is perfect.

Why shouldn't I watch: Christian's hairline is not.

* * *

The Match: Denmark vs. Portugal

When is it: Tuesday, October 14

Who's Playing in it: Christian Eriksen

Why should I watch: Christian is still perfect.

Why shouldn't I watch: Ronaldo is probably going to start selling Christian on Real Madrid and I don't have enough money to pay for a plane to carry a banner over this match.

* * *

The Match: England vs. San Marino

When is it: Thursday, October 9

Who's Playing in it: Andros Townsend, and not Danny Rose. Because reasons.

Why should I watch: Do you like delusional English fans thinking their team will actually win a trophy? Do you like angry English fans mad that they can't put away smaller teams? There's something for everyone, because we're going to get one or the other after this game!

Why shouldn't I watch: Stuff like this.

* * *

The Match: England vs. Estonia

When is it: Sunday, October 12

Who's Playing in it: Andros Townsend, and STILL not Danny Rose. FFS.

Why should I watch: Joel Lindpere could be on the field at the same time as Ats Purje, which would really be something, I tell you what.

Why shouldn't I watch: Estonia's nickname is the blue shirts. God. They're not even trying. Unless Chelsea bought their country. Then they probably didn't have a choice.

* * *


The Match: England U-21s vs. Croatia U-21s

When is it: Friday, October 10; Tuesday, October 14

Who's Playing in it: Eric Dier, Harry Kane, Tom Carroll, Alex Pritchard

Why should I watch: The exciting future of Tottenham Hotspur will be on display against one of the biggest generators of football talent in Eastern Europe.

Why shouldn't I watch: The inevitable future of Premier League yo-yo teams will be crashing against the shoals of one of the biggest generators of football talent in Eastern Europe.

* * *

The Match: United States vs. Ecuador

When is it: Friday, October 10

Who's Playing in it: DeAndre Yedlin

Why should I watch: RUFIO GOT THAT ESS EE CEE SPEED PAWL. THEM THERE ECUADORIANS JUST AIN'T GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO KEEP UP WIT DAT FULLBACK SON. THEY GON' GO BACK TO THE BIG NUEVE WITH A SORE BEE-HIND AND A WHOLE LOTTA DISAPPOINTMENT! ROLL TIDE!

Why shouldn't I watch: The Landon Donovan farewell tour. It's like the Derek Jeter farewell tour, but it lets knuckleheads question an outstanding national team performance in the World Cup because they're ride or die for receding hairlines.

* * *

The Match: United States vs. Honduras

When is it: Tuesday, October 14

Who's Playing in it: DeAndre Yedlin

Why should I watch: HEY PAWL LONG TIME LISTENER FIRST TIME CALLER I JUST WANNA SAY THAT SENIOR KIFFIN THINKS HIS LEFT FLANK IS SECURE BUT HE GONNA GET BURNED BY THAT FIVE STAR RECRUIT OUTTA SEATTLE I'LL TAKE MY ANSWER OFF THE AIR

Why shouldn't I watch: I wasn't kidding about the Landon Donovan tour. He's great and all but this is going to be super annoying.