Romelu Lukaku has had a good season on loan at Everton, who would almost certainly like to keep him. However, Everton will not have the money to buy Lukaku unless they sell a player or two, which sort of defeats the purpose. Same goes for Newcastle and Southampton. But he might not be good enough for Chelsea, and it's not clear if Jose Mourinho rates him.
What do we do with players who are too expensive for Everton, but not quite good enough for Chelsea? Oh, I know this one! We link them to Spurs! What up, Daily Telegraph.
Spurs were among a host of clubs interested in Lukaku last summer and chairman Daniel Levy made a cheeky offer to swap Emmanuel Adebayor for the 20-year-old. Tottenham will make a more serious bid for Lukaku this year and hope to convince Chelsea to allow the player to stay in the Premier League.
The story also features this John Edward-esque nugget.
Despite uncertainty over whether head coach Tim Sherwood will be replaced at the end of the season, Spurs plan to sign three players - a striker, midfielder and defender - who can make an immediate first-team impact.
I'm sure you got that information from your incredibly well-connected sources, who totally have intimate knowledge of Tottenham's transfer plans.
So, uh, I guess I hope this is an actual thing?