1) Dress to kill
Not got the full collection of coaching badges? Not to worry. Pre-match, go to the club shop and participate in a supermarket sweep taking as many clothing items as you can. Combine them to give the look of a man that's in charge but also a man that retains a keen sense to training with the lads on a Monday morning at Hotspur HQ.
Top tip: Sport a Gilet for that added protection and ease of access to remove and throw if required (Gilet has a zip mechanism superior to the less popular Wenger caterpillar jacket).
2) Talk in sound bites
Do not confuse or alienate the common man with words that require a thesaurus look-up. Connect with the fans by speaking like a fan. Do this by downloading the audio-book "I'm not a wheeler-dealer: I'm as good as it gets" by Harry Redknapp. Use buzz words like 'character' and 'desire' and 'fight' and just hope the players respond with displaying these traits out on the pitch. If they don't, shout the sound bites louder at them. If they still don't, try it all again the following week.
3) Dugout to stands
Start off in the dugout, then move into the technical area. When you've run out of clothes to rip off and throw away, work your way through the water bottles then move onto Les Ferdinand and Chris Ramsey. If you can locate Steffen Freund (and if you can catch him as he's pretty nippy when running away), work your way through him as well. Once you're done, move up to the stands to control your fiery temper and give everyone the illusion that you are maturing, yet keeping a safe distance from the debacle down below.
If things get progressively worse, move away from the stands and relocate yourself in your own vehicle in the West Stand car park. Keep the engine running as you listen to the game on the radio whilst giving instructions to Paulinho on the Spurs bench to past onto the players on the pitch.
If there is still no improvement, remember to call the laser surgery clinic and cancel your appointment to have the cannon tattoo removed from your arm as you drive past Seven Sisters station.
Another poor display? Players making schoolboy errors out on the field? Points thrown away? Keep the players locked in the dressing room post match and proceed to act out an improvised one-act version of Les Miserables. Punch anyone that cries informing them to 'man up'. If this fails to resonate with the players, transfer list all World Cup stars, then move to 5.
5) Welcome to Sherwood club...
1st RULE: You do not talk about Sherwood Club.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about Andre Villas-Boas. Only Sherwood can talk about AVB when Sherwood wants to make himself feel better.
3rd RULE: If someone says "high line", falls over or trips out, the game is over. Literally over, we're done for.
4th RULE: Only two players can bother turning up in terms of good form. Both will be benched for the game.
5th RULE: One mistake at a time. It's currently not physically possible to concede two goals at once although we're hoping for a scientific breakthrough with worm-holes that may allow this in future.
6th RULE: No width, no invention.
7th RULE: Games will go on as long as we concede 4-to-6 goals.
8th RULE: If this is your first night at Sherwood Club, you HAVE to be dropped for Bentaleb.
Follow these five easy steps and you'll guide yourself to prominence in no time.
If however you fail to master any of the steps and combine them with success, then you might need to look for a new job.
You can thank CFC community member a01chtra for the images.