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Community Report Card: Defenders

The community has they're say about Tottenham's defenders and, predictably, it's not good.

Tim Keeton

So, it's been a little while since I asked you to grade the defenders, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. The first thing I want to say is that you all are some harsh graders. Only one player managed better than a B average and only three had an average above C+. Our defending was pretty bad, but not that bad. Y'all are some pessimists.

Kyle Walker, GPA: 3.39. The only defender to do even remotely well in the grading, and yet e still somehow received more F's than Jan Vertonghen, Vlad Chiriches, Kyle Naughton, and Michael Dawson combined. I'm not sure what the people that gave Kyle numero uno anything less than a C were thinking. Let's check in with those people. Oh. Nevermind, none of them left comments. Well, what did other people have to say?

He's alright.


I'm going to assume that this quote is from Edward F. and use this opportunity to tell him that, even though it's his birthday, he's the wrongest wrong in all of Wrongington.

Average at best.


Well, if Walker is average then I'm not sure what would constitute above average.

Danny Rose, GPA: 1.09. That's right everyone, our regular left back graded out at just over a D average. One of you gave him an A+, but that was the only grade above he got above a B.

You scored as many goals as Townsend. That's good stuff.

Tottenham Makes Me Cry

That statistic makes me cry.

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Seems fair.

Younes Kaboul, GPA: 2.09. A smattering of high grades for Kaboul kept him in the C range, but he still got his fair share of D's.

Very inconsistent and mistake-prone. Younes looked all 34 of his 28 years.


So much for my plan of not including two quotes from the same person.

Jan Vertonghen, GPA: 2.90. The second highest GPA for a defender goes to our Belgian beauty. Vertonghen is certainly very talented, but many of you seem to think his attitude is a bit of a problem.

Bonus points for pulling that guys pants down.

DOB 1882

I agree. That certainly deserves some sort of extra credit.

Does a lot of films with Wes Anderson and his two brothers.


This is clearly a joke that I do not understand, but I'll put it in on the off-chance that someone else finds it funny.

Vlad Chiriches, GPA: 2.87. Perpetual Man of the Match, Vlad Chiriches is the third highest graded defender, and probably rightly so.

- Shane

Holy Shit! I totally forgot about that. On that alone he deserves an A. I'm changing my grade.

Kyle Naughton, GPA: 2.02. Would you believe that people had lots of nice things to say about Kyle numero dos? Me either.

Surprisingly competent.


See! Positivity!

Michael Dawson, GPA: 1.79. I was seriously worried about what the numbers would say about Michael Dawson, but apparently being a hard-trier and someone who clears the ball with a last ditch tackle that was made necessary because he screwed up at midfield makes him somehow decent in your eyes.

Dawson is easily an A- student but happens to be too slow to finish the test.


Yeah. Pretty much.

Like watching the last march of the Ents.


Get it? It's because Dawson is slow.

Zeki Fryers, GPA 2.28: Our fourth highest graded defender is Zeki Fryers. Let's all stop and think about that for a second. Now let's go drink.

Falcao has never faced a more difficult opponent.

Milo Pearson

I would imagine Falcao's second most difficult opponent is knee injuries.

Milos Veljkovic, GPA: Incomplete. Somehow, Milos managed to receive almost as many A+ as all of Tottenham's other defenders combined (17 to 20). You people certainly do love potential.

I'm aware he exists, apparently Tim Sherwood....possibly was?


I'm not sure what Tim Sherwood is aware of. I'd imagine it's not much.

So there you have it! Tomorrow we move on to central midfielders, because writing these posts for all the midfielders at once would probably kill me.