Well Mauricio Pochettino has become the newest manager of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. There's a lot to be determined about our new manager. Can he adapt to the expectations of a bigger club? What style will he play? Who is he going to sign? Will he ever grow his hair out again?
However the most important question is what we are going to call him. Will it prevent us from using all of those foreign letters? Can we reasonably fit it into a song? Will it help us talk about him on twitter? Will it conform to some unfortunately inappropriate stereotype?
Fortunately for all of you, the writers at Cartilage Free Captain are here to help navigate these tricky waters and pick a name worthy of our new gaffer.
Uncle Menno: It's English football, and everybody knows that the absolute top quality for any prospective manager in the EPL is Englishness. That said, we're about to hire an Argentine as our new manager. How could this happen?! Haven't we learned that foreign managers are the devil and will lead us down a slippery path to lawlessness, chaos, and Jacques Santini? In order to mitigate this scenario, our new Argie manager needs a good, English nickname, something that evokes all that is good about being British. Ladies and gentlemen, I humbly suggest: Poch Spice.
Skipjack: You might hate it but you know we need it. We were led down the garden path of a three letter nickname and we saw where it took us. We were abandoned at the altar of English managers who were addressed by simple first names or their cockney equivalent. We even tried addressing foreign managers by their easy to spell and pronounce last names. It's time to try something new. It's time to do something simple, something our coach won't need a translator to understand. It's time to rhyme. It's time for MoPo.
Brett Rainbow: If there's a common thread among recent Spurs managers, it's excitement at their announcements followed swiftly by deep and abiding regret. The experience is akin to eating one of these:
To reverse this managerial trend, Spurs fans must not run from history but instead embrace it. That's why I, for one, will be calling our new manager Hot Pochet. Hooooottttt Pochet!
Michael Caley: While reading these suggestions, I have become concerned. Concerned that my fellow writers may not be taking their responsibilities here as deadly seriously as the topic demands. A nickname makes a person. From the moment he became "A-Rod", there was no chance that Alex Rodriguez could become the baseballing hero he wanted to be. Would Pelé be Pelé if the Uncle Menno of 1958 had come up with some awful pun based on which one of the Platters he resembled and that monstrosity stuck? Simply, no. He would have been a mediocre footballer at best and also Spurs would never have done the double three years later and it would be all Menno's fault.
Poche. It is his actual nickname in the Spanish press. It has glorious simplicity and euphony. It reflects our expectations by locating Pochettino within the tradition of great, affectively leftist Argentinian football managers going back through César Luis Menotti and Marcelo Bielsa. He is our Poche. This is, as the French say, dans la poche.
Bryan A: Wake up sheeple! This guy is a scam artist who has never won anything anywhere. He has plenty of experience being the third best club in a big City. At Espanyol his teams were worse than Barcelona and Barcelona B! What did he do when he got to Southampton? Took a side in 14th and propelled them to 12th. Wow! Then, at the beginning of this season, his side looked promising enough to finish in the top four. Instead they finished 8th. What a lie. Because he only offers false promises and false hope he shall henceforth be known as Pochnocchio.
TheRoosevelts: This is personal for me. For me this matters. Look, the guy's nick name has been Poch since he was in Argentina, I bet even Madre calls him Poch. And there is no way i am typing "Hot Pochet" or any other hair brained ideas Ryan came up with while doing shrooms in the alley behind a bar in Silver Lake. But just for fun maybe every now and then we can call him Pochet Rocket.
Edward F: Poch's love of high-intensity, free-flowing attacking football and my own latent sense of immaturity immediately called to my mind the moniker Intriguing Tinglings In The Region Of My Crotch-ettino. That was ten hours ago and I haven't come up with anything better.
Lennon's Eyebrow: Poch, Poche, whatever. You're all looking at the wrong half of his name. Everyone knows the coolest people have their names shortened by taking the second half of their name. Just ask Topher Grace. Clearly our new manager should henceforth be called Tino. And like another heroic Tino, as all time great
first baseman Don Mattingly manager Tim Sherwood leaves the club, Tino will surprise everyone and lead us to four titles over the next five years.