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Roberto Salad-no! Spurs stars in fresh (vegetable) crisis

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Saggy Spurs striker in sickening salad snub shock!

Keep these away from Lewis Holtby at all costs
Keep these away from Lewis Holtby at all costs
Richard Heathcote

It's been said that Spurs chairman Daniel Levy is all about the green, but it's clear that that attitude isn't shared across the rest of the club. Indeed, it appears Tottenham's players care solely about being in the red- RED MEAT, THAT IS.

Fresh relegation fears for Spurs abound as four of the side's top stars have been exposed as having ignored the salads that were included on their inflight meal during their flight to Chicago. Kudos to the Daily Mail for dedicating a full actual page of their actual website to lifting the lid on this scandal- in much the same way that Spurs stars failed to lift the lid on their veggies.

As the article rightfully states,

Mauricio Pochettino may have to clamp down on his new side's diets if the latest social media image from Tottenham striker Roberto Soldado is anything to go buy [sic].

After all, nobody can deny that our attack looked both anaemic and constipated last season- and is it any surprise, when the players that are supposed to be comprising our front four won't even take in the vital nutrients of a healthy salad?

Not since the days of Juande Ramos and ketchupgate (reported here again in the Mail, which can surely only be a harmless coincidence) have the dietary habits of Tottenham stars been the subject of public scrutiny, and we all remember how things turned out that year- two points from eight games, as our vitamin C-deficient sides crumbled before the superior fitness of opponents such as Dean Windass. Salvation only arrived that season, of course, with the ushering in of Harry Redknapp and his time-honoured catchphrase, 'just fuckin' eat a gluten-free mini-quiche'.

How Pochettino chooses to handle this situation could be the first defining test of his managerial stint at Spurs. If Tottenham's Flabby Foursome aren't immediately placed on a heavy course of extra cardio work and barred from going within three hundred yards (or the distance of one Michael Dawson long ball attempt) of Chick King on the Tottenham High Road, it's more than likely that Tottenham's chance of a top four finish in 2014/15 will disappear faster than a tray of cocktail sausages into the all-consuming maw of (extremely) wide forward Erik Lamela.