Wednesday Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur news and links for Wednesday, July 30

Dear blessed commentariat,

Salmon Chase is on vacation and I promised I'd write the Hoddle for him this week, but I've already forgotten once and now I'm trying to multitask and write this article while simultaneously recording Wheeler Dealer Radio after consuming an Oskar Blues Deviant Dale and two lovely glasses of Corsair Triple Smoke whiskey (Thanks, Dr. Tran!).

What I'm saying is that I'm not quite sure how this is going to come out. Or whether I can make it through without spelling errors akin to theroosevelts on a bender.

Welp. Here goes nothing.

Schneiderlin could hand in transfer request - Goal.com

If that's what it takes...

Louis Van Gaal: "I was wanted by Tottenham" - The Tottenham Way

Yes, Louis. Yes you were. But since then we've discovered that you're kind of a juice tag, so we'll stick with our sweet Argie, is that okay with you?

Jenkins admits Bony could go - Teamtalk.com

Okay! So Bony could go. Don't even care, since while you have a Bony we have a Hurri-Kane.

Are Southampton getting rebuilt or torched? - SB Nation

Our own Kevin McCauley tries to put a positive spin on what's happening at Southampton right now. It's some deep-level philosophical shit, let me tell you. It might even talk Connor Armstrong off the ledge.

Carlos Tevez's father kidnapped, released - SB Nation

Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate Carlos Tevez and am quite sorry that people went out of their way to kidnap his dad. Fathers are important. I'm glad he's now free.