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Cartilage Free Poetry Slam: North Side Story, Part 1

Ahead of the North London Derby, we take a side-trip to Broadway.

Julian Finney

[SCENE: the Tottenham Hotspur changing room. ERIK LAMELA is putting on his boots, looking murderous. He keeps tying and re-tying his laces. Also present: ROBERTO SOLDADO, HUGO LLORIS, and HARRY KANE.]


LAMELA: That DAMNED Arsene Wenger!

SOLDADO [to LLORIS]: What has Poche done to him?

LLORIS: Poche? Why Poche? Maybe he's just spouting off at us!

LAMELA: Roberto! Harry! Hugo, my irascible friends, can you keep a secret?

SOLDADO: I'm HOT for secrets!

LAMELA: ... No. I won't tell you.

KANE: The poor man looks livid!


LLORIS: He might just be pissed off. He looks angry. And I think he's up to something.

LAMELA: I do. I am!

SOLDADO: "I do. I am." He talks like Tim Sherwood! What is going on with you, Erik?


*boom-chik-chik boom-chik-chik boom-chik-chik boom*

Arsene's shitty!
Oh so shitty!
Arsene's shitty and petty and slight!
And I pity
Those who have to play for him tonight!
(lalalala la la la laaaa-la-la!)

Arsene's boring
I'm imploring
Spurs outscoring, imploding the Scum!
We'll be soaring
When we kick Arsenal right in the bum!

See the Gooners out in their skin-tight kits!
See their nipples stand at attention!
Such a shitty club,
Such a shitty coach,
Such a shitty pitch,
Such a shitty liiiiiiiife!

I feel happy!
Quite un-crappy!
Just like everything's coming up right!
For we'll win
In the derby Saturday night!


Have you met their coach Arsene Wenger?
We think that he drinks too much beer
You'll know him the minute you've seen ‘im
He's the one who made Chambers a starter this year!

He thinks he can win
But he don't know jack
(la la la)
We'll take down the Scum
With our speed of attack!

They're all from the east
From Woolwich they came
(la la la)
We'll win on their pitch
With fourth place our aim!

Keep away from him!
Send for Poche!
Arsene wants fourth so that
He'll get his "trophy."

Morally flawed,
To fouls he is blind,
(la la la)
A tactical fraud,
And out of his mind!

Arsene's shitty,
And not charming.
It is pretty alarming he'd say 
That the Gooners will get any of the points today!
(lalalala la la la laaa-la-la!)

Arsene's shitty
And the city
Will be painted in bright blue and white!
For North London will surely be ours tonight!