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North London Derby player ratings to the theme of crappy beer

Paul Gilham

Our themed player ratings return for the North London Derby, and we're breaking out a great one: cheap, crappy beer. The kind that you only drink when your goal is to become intoxicated without spending money. Tottenham Hotspur played well in their 1-1 draw with Arsenal, so we're going to be pretty nice.

Eric Dier and Nabil Bentaleb were both on after the 80th minute, and will not be ranked.

5 stars - PBR or your local crappy beer

If you refuse to drink PBR because hipsters like it, you have problems. It's insanely cheap and the most inoffensive-tasting of all of the absurdly cheap beers. Putting something like Natty Boh here is too region-specific, but if your region has something like that, it's always the best crappy beer, and it makes you feel local pride to drink it.

Hugo Lloris - Made no errors. None of his saves were jaw-dropping, but he didn't even have a "could have done better" moment or make even tiny judgment errors.

Younes Kaboul - My vote for man of the match. Yes, it would have been possible for him to make a clearance on the goal, but we're not holding that against him. He made a half-dozen spectacular ones.

Danny Rose - Was on the wrong end of some iffy calls by the official. Shut down his flank at times. His best defensive performance in a Spurs shirt.

Etienne Capoue - Broke up play and was very good positionally. He allowed Ryan Mason to be creative and get forward, and made up for Mason's errors.

4 stars - Yuengling

Only sitting at 4 stars because it is generally more expensive than PBR. We considered Yuengling to be at the price and quality ceiling for what we can consider "crappy beer".

Nacer Chadli - Scored the goal and looked like scoring on a couple of other occasions. He also pressed very well. The only reason he gets knocked down a tier is because there were some places where he seriously mishit a shot or pass that could have turned into a goal.

Ryan Mason - For a first start, he was brilliant. Set up what should have been a goal for Chadli. Had more creative plays than Mousa Dembele or Nabil Bentaleb have in their opportunities this season. Had a couple of poor turnovers, but that was to be expected.

Erik Lamela - The most consistently dangerous of our four attackers, and he had a great assist on the goal.

3 stars - Bud/Miller/Coors Light

You'll drink it if it's the cheapest beer a bar has, or if it's free. But no one ever *wants* one of these.

Kyle Naughton - Generally inoffensive. One of his better defensive performances in a Spurs shirt, but certainly not spectacular. He's a better right back than Eric Dier, at least.

Jan Vertonghen - Mostly solid, had a couple of pretty dumb errors.

Christian Eriksen - Not bad, but certainly disappointing. Didn't really create anything of substance.

2 stars - Keystone/Natty/Beast Light

They're the same thing. Don't tell me they're not the same thing. Also, don't tell me you've ever had one past the age of 22.

Aaron Lennon - Was brought in to achieve two things: contribute defensively and help create fast counters. He did neither of them.

Emmanuel Adebayor - I understand starting Adebayor because of his incredible goal-scoring record in this fixture, but he was an attack-killer on this occasion. He also missed one absolute sitter. It's time for Harry Kane or Roberto Soldado to start.

1 star - Hamm's

I've never vomited more than the night I drank a 12-pack of Hamm's.

None of our players are as disgusting as Hamm's.