Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tottenham Hotspur holiday season drinking game! For the second year running we aim to keep your family's disappointment in you a fuzzy afterthought by providing you a fun, interactive way to drink your way through the football. For sporting purposes, and liver preservation, let's assign the title "holiday fixture" to our next three (Norwich, Watford, and Everton).
The intent of this game is to have a few laughs, be silly, and make insular Wheeler Dealer Radio jokes, not bodily harm. Please indulge safely and responsibly. As for you, Srups, drink as you would any other day. We don't want this silly game to interrupt your "normal" consumption habits.
Now for the rules:
If you are watching in the terraces or on your couch, take a drink. It's matchday and that's reason enough to celebrate!
Unless you are following on Twitter or a match thread. In that case consider chloroforming yourself until you are in a safer place: unconsciousness.
Any mention of squad rotation and you have to switch drinks with your companions. Don't forget to second guess their choice while you're at it.
Every time Dele Alli is whistled for a foul you sing: "Commit a foul, and I'll drink for you", followed by a drink. When he finally gets a yellow you sing: "Commit a foul, and I'll drink for you, and they were all yellow". Yellow card equals two drinks.
Every time Erik Lamela goes rogue and gets fouly, what Michael Caley likes to call "seeing the red mist", order up a standard red ale or Red Stripe, Tecate, Budweiser (something with loads of red on the label). Here's to our Argentine winger who is one part class, one part foot up your a***.
Every massive Hugo save take a shot of wine. If your pub or home doesn't have wine available, drop a grape in some Grey Goose and drink it for all I care, just do something fun.
Every goal take one shot or three drinks.
If Harry Kane scores, and due to him winning last year's poll for having a drink named after him, the shot is an "ol' ‘Arry"--chilled, pure English gin poured into your gaping maw from a distance of at least one foot.
If Eric Dier scores, dial up a shot of the flaming sort, but blow it out instantly for solidarity. Together we need not fear fire. Cavemen are people, too. #WeAreAllEric
An oldie, but goodie: If a Belgian scores, order up a Belgian brew. If you do not have Belgian beer at your disposal, you are doing it wrong; try to do better, please.
If Tom Carroll scores, utter "it's only rock n' roll, but I like it" in Portuguese and down a fifth of vodka.
If Josh Onomah makes and appearance, order a kiddie cocktail, and make it a double.
Supporters sing for Mousa Dembele: take one drink and try to ghost past someone for a better view, wherever you may be.
Supporters sing "he's one of our own!": order the most local brew you can get your hands on. Bring honor to the local clan.
In the end, regardless of religion, gender, sexual orientation, race, or--in Chirpy's case--species, we all love Tottenham. Let's enjoy the next week and get loaded a time or two. And remember, the Tottenham Hotspur Holiday Season Drinking Game is to be used for entertainment purposes only. Any negativity or anger that ensues from this game will cause Arsenal to win the league and, subsequently, my commitment to a mental facility.
Be good and happy holidays.