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Your team is getting relegated: Fiorentina

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Ahead of Spurs' upcoming Europa league match, we preview why Fiorentina is going to lose badly, and probably get relegated in the process.

Fiorentina hero Alberto Gilardino got shut down by Wilson Palacios, of all people.
Fiorentina hero Alberto Gilardino got shut down by Wilson Palacios, of all people.
Paul Gilham/Getty Images

It's been a while since we here at Cartilage Free Captain have spit hot fire at one of our countless inferior opponents. After years of humiliating victories have sent countless second-rate teams plummeting down the football pyramid in shame, we decided to let the rest of the Premier League's obvious inferiority speak for itself.

But then some purple-clad bozos thought they could bring it, and this could not be tolerated.

If you're a Fiorentina fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated. And knocked out of the Europa League while you're at it.

Your Club Sucks: Fiorentina is a girl's name. That's a fact. We're playing "The Girls from Florence." Which, let's be honest, is probably better for you, because the men of Florence certainly aren't anything to worry about. Boom. And it's just getting started.

To the English speaking world, your nickname sounds super lame. The Viola. Real intimidating. It's a violin for somehow even nerdier kids. But if you speak Italian, which the Jersey Shore fans over at Viola Nation almost certainly don't, you know that Fiorentina's "Viola" actually has nothing to do with a dorky string instrument. It actually means "purple." So that's better.

Or at least it might be, if Spurs didn't already rock purple kits so hard that nobody with sense ever bothered wearing purple kits again.

Your history would be impressive except oh wait that's right, you have no history. You went bankrupt and ceased to exist like ten years ago. But I'm sure the new business entity that was incorporated to lay claim to your history totally counts.

Your Owner Sucks: Billionaires Andrea and Diego Della Valle are the owners of Corporate Pretenders to ACF Fiorentina's History, or whatever you're calling yourselves these days. Luckily for you, these Italian leather magnates specialize in shoes and purses, so they can perfectly accessorize your adorable purple kits.

To be fair, they have done a fantastic job bringing the Fightin' Purples all the way up from the fourth division in only a few short years. Of course in the spirit of typical Serie A football shenanigans, they pulled an Arsenal and conveniently skipped the third division and went straight to Serie B for "sports merits" and definitely not bribery or anything illicit, allegedly.

Of course they were relegated in Serie A's 2006 match fixing scandal (don't worry, they "appealed" their way back into Serie A) because presumably that is the Italian football rite of passage into adulthood.

Your Last Season Sucks: Oh wow, you guys finished 4th? That's so weird why aren't you in the Champions League? Oh, you would be if you played in a real league? That's too bad.

Your Players Suck: Your best player is the traitor Giuseppe "Benedict" Rossi. Alas, if only your second best player was "functioning knees." Hey Giuseppe, what was it like playing in the World Cup for Italy? No, it doesn't matter which one. Any World Cup. What was it like? Oh.

The rest of your squad is made up of Premier League washouts, like Liverpool reject Alberto Aquilani, West Brom reject Borja Valero, West Ham reject Alessandro Diamanti, Chelsea reject Mohammed Salah, Spurs reject Mounir El Hamdaoui, Sunderland reject Marcos Alonso, Manchester City reject David Pizarro, Manchester City reject Micah Richards, Manchester City reject Stefan Savic. Oh, and Manchester United reject Giuseppe Rossi.

When they get to England, someone should probably remind these guys not to all head straight to the bench at once. At least some of them will actually be allowed to play on a real EPL football pitch for a change.

Besides your ghosts of English football past, you've also got George McFly lookalike and former elite striker Mario Gomez on the books. Unfortunately for you guys, the 2015 version of George McFly you got was the one where Biff went back in time, got rich, killed George, married his wife, and turned Hill Valley into a hellish dystopia. Yeah, Spurs are Biff in this scenario.

I know as an Italian football team you wanted to be the ones who got rich by knowing sports results ahead of time, but alas it was not to be.

That's right, Cartilage Free Captain used "Incredibly Convoluted Back to the Future II Reference Burn." It's super effective.

Why you might not get knocked out: Don't worry, I'm sure Europa League referees also like Italian sports cars.