Tottenham Hotspur is pulling out all the stops in preparation for this weekend's Capital One Cup Final, including a wonderful Cup Final Party Kit that includes some downloadable full color life-size player masks that participants are encouraged to wear in the stands at Wembley Stadium or in the privacy of your own home.
Aside from the hilarious instructions (don't forget to cut out the eye holes you guys!) they are also absolutely terrifying. It's like something out of the Yellow King's drug-fueled Carcosa nightmares. North London is a flat circle.
Let's take a look at some highlights.
Christian Eriksen – This mask would also be appropriate for cosplay while you attend the opening screening of the new Halloween movie coming out later this year.
Hugo Lloris – PLEASE DON'T HURT MY FAMILY HUGO HERE TAKE ALL MY MONEY JUST GO
Harry Kane – Elite striker. Local legend. Soulless automaton who will sink his ravenous, gaping maw into your chest cavity and devour your still-beating heart. (Note: mouth is barely open, which is probably the scariest thing about this mask.)
Ryan Mason – Okay, it's not really all that scary actually but the mask tries really hard, you guys, honest.
Erik Lamela – "Yes, that's right officer, I was assaulted by what looked like a demon-possessed Cristiano Ronaldo."
Jan Vertonghen – Now YOU TOO can sulk, yell at your teammates, and look like you're not giving a s**t!
Mauricio Pochettino – Perhaps the least disturbing of the lot. Which in and of itself is quite disturbing, because it means that Pochettino is probably already a soul-crushing madman who will haunt your dreams and ruin your life. I mean, he did voluntarily become manager of Tottenham Hotspur. It's in the job description.
Great job, Tottenham! But you're missing a few people. Here are some suggestions, courtesy of the diseased mind of commentariat member OHSpurs. It's his fault. Blame him for the night terrors.
Daniel Levy – Walk in a car dealership wearing one of these, walk out with a brand new Aston Martin DB9 for $500.
Tim Sherwood -- Part football manager, part Mr. Bean, part daemon from the seventh circle of hell.
Chirpy -- Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Chirpy Ry'leh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Iä! Iä! Chirpy fhtagn!