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Stoke City v. Tottenham Hotspur: player ratings to the theme of 1980s pop stars

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Tottenham Hotspur played a match on Saturday. Players played in that match. We rated them.

Gareth Copley/Getty Images

Despite getting ground into a fine dust by Stoke City this weekend, there were still some personal performances worth mentioning. What's that? There really weren't? Whatever, I've been on an '80s kick lately and that will continue in the form of player ratings. Better get your oven mitts because the takes are hot and ready to come out of the oven.

5(a) stars: Prince

Prince is the best. Not only does he have a catalogue of albums and hits, but he plays instruments! Like, he is a real musician. Throw in the campy, overacted Purple Rain and we have a clear winner. Go on, I dare you to not sing along to "Raspberry Beret", I double dare you.

No player on Tottenham dared to be as great as Prince on Saturday.

5(b) stars: Michael Jackson

While Prince may have been the best all around musical act, no one entertainer captured the hearts and minds of the public like Michael Jackson. In fact, he only gets "b" status on this list because he was a star long before the 80s. Put on Thriller and try not grooving just a little. It's impossible.

Not one player on Tottenham captured our hearts or minds on Saturday.

3 stars: George Michael

He had hits as a solo act and as a part of the group Wham!, a solid showing. The fact that many of his songs are sung ironically probably says it all about his career. What do I know, though? This is just another careless whisper.

Federico Fazio – he was fine.

Christian Eriksen – he, too, was fine.

Erik Lamela – he was better than almost everyone else probably, but at the end of the day, fine.

Harry Kane – fine, fine, fine, I'm feeling fine.

2 stars: Boy George

Between Culture Club and a solo career, nobody could escape Boy George in the 80s. That does not say a whole lot about collective taste in the 80s.

Eric Dier – he was playing out of position so I am showing empathy.

Jan Vertonghen – he was playing out of position so I am showing empathy.

1 star: Bon Jovi

Ever wonder what a combination of Bruce Springsteen's New Jersey, working class angst and no talent would sound like? You don't have to, Bon Jovi already exist! Bon Jovi sucks and I refuse to defend my stance; it is that obvious a call.

Nabil Bentaleb, Ryan Mason, Nacer Chadli, and Hugo Lloris were all as bad as Bon Jovi on Saturday. And a special shoutout to Vlad Chiriches, who somehow transcended "badness" and created his own vortex of suck. What a time to be alive! [Editor's note: 2/10, no hot dog reference]