Tottenham Hotspur v. Hull City: Player ratings to the theme of all female bands

Tottenham Hotspur gained a crucial three points on Saturday in the race for...what are we racing toward again? Anyway, we won and that's better than a kick in the teeth, right?

The theme this week will be all female music groups. It was fun thinking of all the good groups, not as much fun thinking about the crap, which is exactly how I feel about this season.

5 stars: The Supremes

A part of the Motown machine, the Supremes were wonderful. While the group eventually became known as Diana Ross and the Supremes, I still prefer to think of them as a collective. Their list of hits still ring out all these years later, and "Stop in the Name of Love" may be one of the most recognizable pop songs of all time. The Supremes truly live up to their name.

Danny Rose (Where Did Our Love Go?): Danny, Danny, Danny don't leave me. Oooh please don't leave me, sitting on the Shelf. You've been learning and turning into a left back. If you go to City, I won't be glad...

4 stars: Salt N Pepa

These ladies deserve credit for being trail blazers in the boy's club of rap. While I can't say I would ever sit and listen to one of their albums all the way through, I can say I would dance vigorously to their music at a party, and make weird, uncomfortable eye contact while doing it.

Jan Vertonghen (Push It): Yo, yo, yo Jan-y boy, yeah you, nah I ain't gonna dis. You may got resting b**** face, but I know you ain't pissed. Don't you see the crosses coming quick, like I wish you would. Now clear it (do dooooodoooodo) c-clear it real good!

Ryan Mason (Let's Talk About Sex): Let's talk about sex, baby, that ball to Danny. Let's talk about all the good things, not that bad things, Ryan can be.

Erik Lamela (Shoop): Here I go, here I go, here I go again, hey, what's my weakness (through balls!) ok then, chillin', spillin', mindin' my business, Erik dropped a no look, I could barely believe it...

Hugo Lloris (What a Man): I want to take a minute or two and pay much respect to the keeper who's made a difference in our world. There's only one Hugo cause he knows how to slow the attacks our midfielders don't interfere.

Nacer Chadli (None of your Business): If I wanna score a goal, and do nothing else IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS the finish will be fleek, better than it should be IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS you should always play a ball through positions I get in to IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

3 Stars: The Go-Go's

They made some incredibly catchy songs. Good job Go-Go's, you were not annoying, yet not great.

Harry Kane (We Got the Beat): See the people kicking at his feet. Play him one on one, surely you'll be beat. He's always been one of our own, his finishing's sublime...

Nabil Bentaleb (Our Lips Are Sealed): Can you hear them? It's just Juventus, trying to turn your head, I'd rather be dead. Can you see them? I have all the feels, they'll never yield, for our midfield shield...

Christian Eriksen (Vacation): Can't get it right when it comes to you, protecting the pivot hurts what you do. Top form has gone away; I wish it stayed. Saturday's a day of mine, I want your form in.

2 Stars: The Bangles

Aside from "Eternal Flame" name one song that we can remotely take seriously. Exactly, two stars.

Federico Fazio (Walk Like an Egyptian): Here is a link to the actual lyrics. Seriously, what the f*** am I expected to do with these? No, walk like an Egyptian doesn't make sense in this context either. I give up.

1 Star: Girls Aloud

Including famous footballer Ashley Cole's wife, Cheryl, this English-Irish pop group never made it across the pond. Americans will listen to some awful s***, and they couldn't sell records there. That is how bad Girls Aloud are.

None of our players were as bad as Girls Aloud on Saturday.

*Category outside the "Five Star Rating System": The Spice Girls

While being really bad at the thing singing groups should be good at, singing, they were good at other things that made them viable pop stars.

Eric Dier (Wannabe): If you want a future, forget the past. Put him back at center back, and make it fast. While his crosses are sublime, his defending makes us say "this is fine".