Liverpool signed Paulinho! Hahahaha, what a bunch of suckers! Who could have watched his last two years at Spurs and thought this was a good idea. Wait. What? Oh you've got to be kidding me.
It turns out this is a 17 year old midfielder from third tier Portugese side A.D. Sanjoanense, not the one we signed from Corinthians. Remember when we paid nearly £18m for that midfielder and we all thought he would be the replacement for Scott Parker and he turned out to be slightly more useful than a well worn recliner? Man. Good times.
But still I'll bet this guy isn't going to become a better player for a fraction of the price, and then become a club legend who will stay at Liverpool for years. And Barcelona won't want to buy him in 5 years, forcing Real Madrid to go make a crazy purchase to keep up in the transfer Game of Thrones. So they won't target Harry Kane and buy him from our club. And then we definitely will not use the record transfer fee to buy seven golf clubs and the shambling corpse of Louis Saha. And then we'll never get relegated. Certainly not to the Bulgarian fifth division.
That would never happen. We're far too lucky.