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Friday Morning Hoddle Of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News And Links: June 5, 2015

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Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Stanley Chou/Getty Images

Happy Friday Spursland!  OK so I may have called for an end to all international soccer like 3 days ago or something.  There is no going back from that, except that is ABSOLUTELY WHAT I AM DOING because the Women's world cup is here, hello ladies. You are here to save my early summer afternoons and I am oh so glad to see you.

And now the "news"

Tottenham Are Second Bottom Of The Injury Table-Sky Sports

I am about as sick of facts based on obviously skewed data as I am of the screams of that cheerleader I have locked in my basement.

Look at This Clickbait Nonstory-Here Is The City

If this excuse for journalism had an audible sound it would be a watery flu induced diarrhea.  I try really hard to find you guys at least sort of news to start your day but this example of needless clickbait is so bad it made my so upset that I needed to share it with other pieces of humanity so that I wouldn't die cold and alone in having experienced this monument to mediocrity.

I know me calling something else a monument to mediocrity, the balls on me.

A Video Game Where You Feed Sepp Blatter Money-SB Nation Soccer

FIFA: Administration Edition is actually a board game where someone just took an old Hungry Hungry Hippos set and replaced the marbles with tiny tiny little bills.

Newspapers And Their Blatter Puns-SB Nation Soccer

These are all bad people. Very bad people, and that's coming from me, the guy with a cheerleader locked in his basement!

Barcelona's Excellent Summer Signings Got Them To The Final-SB Nation Soccer

How many teams that have won the Champion's League final could this headline be reused for? If you answered every one of them for the past 25 or so years the answer is yes, you win one bag of fresh cheerleader. Congratulations! [Editor's note: no cheerleaders were actually harmed in the making of this Hoddle.]