Who's this team that the MLS All Stars are playing?
Why only Tottenham Hotspur Football Club! The greatest team the world has ever seen!
Where is Tottenham?
Isn't that where Arsenal are from?
Well, yes, but they're actually a bunch of squatters who moved there when -- you know what, let's move on or we'll be here all day.
So what's a Hotspur?
Tottenham Hotspur gets its name from Sir Henry Percy, made famous as "Harry Hotspur" in Shakespeare's Henry IV. He was the second Earl of Northumberland and lived in Tottenham in the 14th century.
He got really ambitious and tried to overthrow a king, but it didn't work out and he got killed for it. Boy. I never realized how incredibly appropriate that was. You have any booze in this joint?
So are you guys in the Champions League like Manchester United?
Do you challenge for the title like Chelsea?
I mean not exactly....
Do you represent a historically repressed group of people like Barcelona?
That's awfully specific.
Answer the question.
Hmmm there's a Real Madrid game on right now maybe I'll watch that.
NO DON'T GO. We're ... we're like the Mets!
Dude, you're not helping yourself out here.
Look, sure we have lots, I mean lots, of head-in-hands moments but there's also plenty of really exciting moments that really stand out, not just for Spurs, but in the history of English soccer. And we play in a big city you'd actually want to visit! We're super fun I promise.
Ok, so why should I follow Spurs?
Because where's the fun in being a front runner? I'll tell you what Tottenham have that the calcified top four doesn't: ambition. Rooting for a team with all the money and position is boring. The fun is in the chase and since 2004 we've hauled ourselves up from being in England's mid table to the very edges of the upper tier of English soccer! And we've done it by building on a tradition of attacking soccer, giving the Premier League some of the most exciting players it has ever seen.
Remember Gareth Bale?
Or how about Dimitar Berbatov?
Or maybe Robbie Keane?
All Spurs. We also had that Clint Dempsey guy. Maybe you've heard of him.
Didn't all those guys leave?
Man, I thought you were cool.
Hey I'm cool, I'm just saying. Don't you have any good guys now?
Well we have Christian Eriksen, one of the most exciting playmakers in all of Europe.
We have Hugo Lloris, France's keeper and arguably the best keeper in Europe.
And of course we have Harry Kane, the best striker England has seen in forever. He's a Tottenham academy prospect who came up through the ranks and is absolutely killing it. He had 30 goals in all competitions last year and he's only 21 years old!
Is ... Is his mouth always open?
Look man, he's great. Just roll with it.
Hey isn't DeAndre Yedlin a Tottenham player?
... Yes. Yes he is.
How is he doing? Will he stay at Spurs or go on loan this season? Do you know if he's going to play RB or RM? Will he help the USA win the World Cup? Is he a summer or a fall? Do you think he'll go to prom with me?
Ok, easy there tiger. Yedlin is an incredibly talented prospect, but he's also very raw, especially for the Premier League. We got him midseason last season and didn't play him all that much. I would suspect that was a mixture of him coming off a full MLS season and acclimating to the English league. Given that Spurs have two other RBs on their books, I would bet Yedlin's future is in a more attacking role. Spurs' manager has said that he has a chance to work his way into the squad this year. Given our coach's willingness to play younger players, I'm inclined to think he'll give Yedlin a fair shake, but his preseason is going to be very important to determining whether or not he stays at Spurs this season or goes out on loan.
So let's say I follow Spurs, what can I expect?
Excitement. Heartbreak. Moments of magic that you'll remember for your entire life. Incredible frustration that will cause you to throw things. Striving to be the best and falling painfully short. A team that will dare to do, but probably won't do it.
That sounds rough.
Sometimes. And then sometimes it's all worth it. Stare into the gaping maw of Harry Kane and rest easy in the knowledge that you will never be a front running soccer hipster who drinks Milk Dud flavored beer while they try to convince someone on a first date that Arsenal deserved to win the league because of how much distance they covered.
Ew. Does that happen?
So what's your prediction for the All Star game?
Tottenham will secure home field advantage for the American League in the World Series.
Thanks! I look forward to following the Spurs.
Trust me. Just go with it.