In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
Leicester City, this really is nothing personal. I swear it. Your team was destined for the drop last year and somehow went on this epic run that must have been fueled by Red Bull and Lära Bars to narrowly avoid going back down to the Championship. The good news is that you received another year of that sweet, sweet TV money. The bad news? Yeah, you guessed it: You've only prolonged the inevitable. You're not going to survive the drop this time around.
Your Club Sucks
Leicester City, we need to have a talk about your club. Do you realize how boring your club really is? I've had to do so much research on the club just to come up with jokes to make fun of you, and even then it was tough to come up with anything. Anyways, your club is in the East Midlands, which is like being stuck in the heart of Nebraska in the States: You're just kinda THERE. Nothing remarkable, maybe you drink a lot, but all you are is a footnote in travel. Nobody has ever decided to just take a vacation to Nebraska in the United States, and I'm going to assume the same is true for the East Midlands and your city. Also, your fans are awful. We know this because they don't believe Harry Kane is the lord and savior of English football. There's a lot of stupid in that forum.
Your Badge Sucks
You know what? I'm going to be somewhat nice, because your badge isn't all that bad. Blue and white f**king rocks as colors of choice, so kudos to you for choosing obviously the best color scheme of all time. However, that thing that's in the middle. Is that supposed to be a fox? I have to believe that's the case, given that your mascot is named Filbert Fox, who is immediately inferior to Chirpy based on such a silly name. Either way, I think it's time your club updates that badge. Also, what the hell is behind the fox's head? I've looked at multiple websites and the most telling information I can pull is that it's a flower of some kind. You've got the colors in place. Work on that fox and whatever the hell's behind it and you may be on to something.
Your Owner Sucks
King Power are the official owners of Leicester City, with Thai billionaire Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha as the chairman, and yes, I had to copy and paste that name. Any one of you would have to as well. Apparently Vichai is so bored with his money that he also owns a polo club in Thailand. Apparently he has received a royal warrant from the King of Thailand that grants him some kind of honor. I can't make fun of this, though, because the badge is f**king Garuda looking menacing as hell. Maybe I shouldn't be making fun of this man. In fact, you're awesome Vichai. Please don't send an ancient god to murder me.
Your Last Season Sucked
We are still trying to figure out how a team that looked so crappy in the first half of the season managed to get to 41 points and survive relegation by six points when the campaign came to an end. It defies logic. It's not quite a Sunderland-esque survival, but that was quite the run. It still sucks, of course, because you still finished 14th in the table and let a crap club like West Ham United finish ahead of you.
Your Coach Sucks
Claudio Ranieri has managed so many clubs in his lifetime, I wonder if Wikipedia just lost count and started making clubs up. He started his coaching career at a small club named Vigor Lamezia, which sounds like an awesome Disney villain's name. He worked his way up the Italian division and had some high profile jobs that included Napoli and Fiorentina, where he managed to win a couple pieces of silverware. After that, he did some bouncing around Europe, including almost destroying Atletico Madrid to the point where he had to resign before the masses tore down the grounds. Most recently, he was the man in charge of Greece when they lost 1-0 to lowly Faroe Islands. If you lose to a team that you have to look up where they are on a map, you probably shouldn't be coaching anymore.
Your Players Suck
Congratulations! Your club was the brunt of many jokes in the offseason thanks to a sex tape that came out involving three of your now former players, but they were your players nevertheless, including the manager's son James Pearson. Your club also apparently likes players who have a bit of a potty mouth as James Vardy breached some rules by dropping racial slurs at a casino. Danny Drinkwater also has possibly the worst last name in the history of everything. If I were him, when I hit 18 years old, I would have immediately changed my name to something far more awesome than Drinkwater. You also have the corpse of Mark Schwarzer still on the roster who can never match Brad Friedel's awesomeness at 42 years old.
Your New Players Suck
Shinji Okazaki is arguably your most notable addition to the roster. While he absolutely sucks, I will say that the first club he played for has an awesome name that makes no sense. What the hell is an S-Pulse? You also managed to get Christian Fuchs on a free from Schalke. Apparently Schalke were so bored with him they didn't even bother trying to get money for him. Robert Huth also came over from Stoke which....well, I can't blame him there. I'd want to get out of Stoke, too. All very underwhelming signings, Leicester, but what can one expect from a boring club?
Why You Might Escape The Drop
The game is suddenly changed to polo and Vichai immediately transfers all of his polo club's members onto Leicester to win the league.