In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
If you're an Everton fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.
Your Club Sucks
Everton Football Club were a once-venerable footballing institution who dwindled to insignificance roughly thirty years ago. Since then, Everton fans have been desperately waiting for the construction of What If Heysel Never Happened Stadium and your return to relevance. Move on guys. It isn't Liverpool's fault. Instead of cannibalizing the imagined past to distract attention from your sad and inevitable decline, accept the fact that you're completely pointless and you always have been.
Your Nickname Sucks
According to several highly scientific studies, "The Toffees" was conclusively found to be the worst nickname in the history of football, sports, and all of human existence. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your opponents like an Amish lady holding a basket of chewy candy.
What could possibly be intimi--oh dear lord. After consulting the Big Book of British Smiles, I suddenly understand true horror. Yours is the song in the night that haunts England's rotten, mangled dreams.
♫ We stick to your teeth, we stick to your teeth, Everton Toffees, we stick to your teeth. ♫
Your Badge Sucks
Prince Rupert's Tower, majestically rising to the heavens. Noble, elegant, and a total lie.
Your majestic tower? It's a drunk tank. That's right, the cornerstone of your club's iconography is an ancient overnight holding cell for the town drunks. Liverpool was so overrun with rampant alcoholics that the creation of a place to lock them all up was considered such a momentous occasion that it has been celebrated by the club across three centuries.
A couple years ago the club redesigned the badge to honestly depict the stubby wizard's hat as the depressing minimum security jail it really is. But in true Evertonian fashion, your supporters couldn't face the reality of your tragically hilarious past, and demanded the club redesign the badge again to give you back the comforting lie you so desperately need to cling to.
Your Owner Sucks
Bill Kenwright? More like Bill Kenwrong, amirite? More like, Bill Can'tdoanythingwright. More like, Bills Can'tgetpaidbecausewe'rebrokeashell. Whatever, you get it. Your club's a joke and you're super poor. High five.
Your Manager Sucks
There once was a time when you thought you were our direct competition to break into the Champions League places. But then you lost David Moyes and replaced him with football's biggest fraud Roberto Martinez. Roberto Martinez always gets a lot of credit for keeping Wigan safe from relegation. You know who else didn't get Wigan relegated? Paul Jewell and Steve Bruce. But you know who did? Oh, it was Roberto Martinez. The guys who didn't get Wigan relegated are out of work, and in the Championship. The guy who did is running your club straight into the ground.
After sinking Wigan, Roberto jumped ship to take command of the HMS Goodison, where he had one good season coasting on the back of a decade of David Moyes's excellent work. But one season of Martinez's deft touch unraveled the entire foundation, spiraling Everton ever closer to your inevitable relegation.
Your big signing this summer is a guy you had on loan in the glory days of two years ago. Much like last summer's recruitment drive, where you signed two guys you had on loan in the glory days of two years ago. Noticing a pattern? Roberto has no idea what he's doing.
Your Players Suck
In a brilliant strategy, you've paired not keeping it fresh with new young signings with an increasingly decrepit squad of senior citizens. Tim Howard, Leighton Baines, Phil Jagielka, and Gareth Barry, aka, your entire defense, are collectively about four thousand years old. I'm pretty sure Barry was actually a 19th century vagrant who you found sleeping off a hundred-year bender inside your drunk tank. At least he plays like one.
Meanwhile your entire attack is built on the hope that Ross Barkley learns how to dribble without looking at his feet and Steven Naismith will accidentally score a goal with his knee.
John Stones Sucks
Put away your pride and take the money, for the sake of Liverpool's children. For the love of god, before it's too late. Before he kills again.
Why You Might Avoid The Drop
Before you broke him, Romelu Lulemon was one of the best young talents in the world. It's possible that Roberto hasn't ruined absolutely everything. Yet.