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Tuesday Morning Hoddle of Coffee: August 4, 2015

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We have a match today! What's that? It's the Audi Cup?!?? Son of a...

Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

Happy pseudo-match day, Spursland! An Audi Cup is out there for the winning but I don't care, just get on with this charade and come home healthy.

In other news: I'm moving, suckers! Cue up the Tombstone gifs all you like, but you can't stop me from #buzzing like a young Harry Kane.

While saying goodbye today, I went through three hours of strategic passive aggression from my normally adorable grandmother, and my mom called me Vinny repeatedly--something she has never done before because she hates it. Their psychological warfare is unparalleled.

My dad, who makes me seem dull by comparison, and I are road tripping this thing so in honor of that, I've created a little travel themed playlist.

Midnight Train to Georgia--Gladys Knight and the Pips

Rambling Man--Allman Brothers Band

Gone Till November--Wyclef Jean

Around the World--Daft Punk

Me Voy--Julieta Venegas

Rocket Man--My Morning Jacket

Now for the "news":

Jose Mourinho wants Danny Rose--Express

The word gossip is literally in the permalink. Like, if I make fun of the Express here, do you think they will stop inviting me to sleepovers and, omg,  just who is going to tell me what flavor lip gloss to wear then?

SOLDADO IS MY BOY SAYS POCHE--Squawka

He even kissed Roberto on the mouth while cupping his hands around his face at a party in Cuba after saying this. That means everything is cool, right?

Spurs target Kevin Vogt while Man Utd target Gareth Bale--The Sports Review

F*** you, Sports Review.

The Mail publishes something about Harry Kane that doesn't make him sound like a Manchester United player--Daily Mail

Now that the Mail is saying reasonable things about Harry Kane staying at Tottenham I'm very, very scared.

Are the newly promoted Premier League teams cut from the correct jib?--SB Nation Soccer

I have no idea what most of the words I used in my description mean because I was nervous just linking to the brilliant Andi Thomas, a writer who will treat the English language with the respect it deserves.