In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
You might have lots of Premier League titles, a bucketful of tradition, and one of the largest cash coffers of any team in Europe, but that's not going to help you any. Manchester United, your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.
Your Club Sucks
You might have the most wins in English Football history, but it hasn't been the smoothest of roads lately, has it Red Devils? You even managed to completely whiff two seasons ago and weren't even playing in Europe! Even we managed to stay in European competition. Yeah, blame Moyes all you want, but watching your fans b*tch and moan because United is infallible and Sir Alex Ferguson is a god amongst insects was glorious for the rest of us. Moyes flipped you all the double bird, took his ridiculous buy out, and went to a beach in Spain to sip on fruity drinks for a while. We think he got the better deal.
Your Badge Sucks
Your badge looks like it was created by some crappy graphic designer's seven-year-old after he snorted 30 pixie sticks. The "devil" in the middle is a pixelated, 8-bit monstrosity that looks like something out of Atari's reject pile. When Atari was deciding between that and Pong, they went with Pong because it had better graphics. And why is there a little ship above the devil? Devils don't ride in ships. That's dumb. Also, red sucks as a color and is even worse paired up with yellow. Do you know who has red and yellow logos? McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Krystal, Church's, Dennys, the list goes on. Congratulations, you're the fast food restaurant of football clubs.
Your Owner Sucks
Did you know that the Glazers have apparently drained £1 BILLION from the club? Yeah, that's billion with a capital B, at least according to your Supporters Trust, which is hilariously named MUST. Hell, even Dennis Kozlowski only took $463 million from Tyco International (he reportedly spent $6,000 on a shower curtain and $16,000 on an umbrella stand for his DOG) and he went to jail for that crap. Plus, Avram Glazer looks like some sort of low-rent Bond villain in all of his pictures. On the other hand, they've managed to outlast the "green and gold" movement. How'd that work out for you?
Your Last Season Sucked
Congratulations on winning the Arsene Wenger Memorial Fourth Place Trophy last season, United. Meanwhile, we're still savoring you losing 4-0 to (future Spurs legend!) Dele Alli and MK Dons, and last season's s**tshow of a league match where you somehow managed to ship five goals on the road. To LEICESTER CITY. FIVE GOALS.
Your Coach Sucks
This is not up for argument. We totally weren't in for him, contrary to popular belief. LVG is supposed to be your lord and savior of football, yet his early season failure was glorious to watch. During that 4-0 loss to MK Dons, he looked like someone had repeatedly kicked his dog around the pitch instead of a ball. In the opening match against Swansea, when the final whistle blew, he signed an autograph for a kid but looked so pissed off I was shocked he didn't embed that pen into his skull.
Your Players Suck
Let me just take a moment to thank you for sending Robin van Persie off to Turkey for practically nothing. It's spawned a meme here, created by snoho56, where we can just say a transfer was worth "a van Persie." Example: We transferred Paulinho to the middle-of-nowhere China for more than two van Persies. We'll always have that, so thank you.
As for your current squad, every joke possible has been made about Wayne Rooney so we won't make another one, but it was impressive how you managed to break Angel di Maria and Radamel Falcao. Meanwhile, despite having more money than God, you still have Chris Smalling and Jonny Evans in the back line. At some point you'll need to use them. Good luck with that.
Then there's Phil Jones. Look at the picture at the top. Nothing more needs to be said.
Your New Signings Suck
Manchester United apparently opened up the coffers and spent approximately ALL THE MONEY on transfers this window and may not even be done. Memphis Depay is going to turn into a one trick pony yet he cost you more money than I'll ever see in my life.
We also hate you for getting Morgan Schneiderlin. HE WAS THE CHOSEN ONE TO BE REUNITED WITH POCHE. And yet apparently that still wasn't good enough because your club also spent money on the on a past-it Bastian Schweinsteiger. United have also been linked to Zlatan, Muller, Ronaldo, Ramos, Pedro, half of England, the corpse of Henry VIII, the royal family of Liechtenstein....you get the idea. But do you know who you're NOT going to sign? Harry Kane and Hugo Lloris. Suck it.
Why You Might Escape The Drop
If Howard Webb kills everyone in his way and ensures that he comes out of retirement to referee every United match this season, you might have a chance.