A sad Thursday, Spursland, for me at least. This will be my last time providing you with your morning Hoddle of Coffee. I know I know you've heard this all before, like that one time when I (yes the truth is finally out there) as TheRoosevelts pretended to quit then just changed my name. Yeah, that was a bit of a d**k move. Basically my then employees kinda found out about me doing this and I faked like I quit doing it so they wouldn't lose their minds about me writing this. And I felt really bad about all the outpouring of sadness at me "leaving" back then because even though you all knew really quickly I tricked you, I didn't like doing that. I have always valued honesty, brutal honesty for you guys.
This is not that. I am out. I am done and the Hoddle will be handed off to someone who has both the time and the drive to make it as great as it once was. I started doing this way back in the early CFC days when a game thread had like 30 comments on a crazy day, and it has now more than I could ever have imagined. I'd like to thank from the bottom of my heart CFC site founder Kevin McCauley for picking me over whoever the other applicant was based entirely on me being the funnier of the two. I bet he regretted that decision a million times since then, not least of which after the legendary Alison Brie Tribute day. I have to thank my long suffering girlfriend for not murdering me for the amount of times I have ignored her presence because "I need to bloggity blog". But most of all I need to thank from the bottom of my heart you, the reader. Even the ones in Slack Hoddle. You guys are responsible for a huge amount of my growth as a person. You guys caring about what I wrote is the reason why I am now finally following my dreams of being a stand up comedian. A dream I never had the guts to go after, from the time I saw my first live show (Lewis Black, Myrtle Beach Improv, I was 14 and my dad bribed the bouncer to get me in) until my 27th year when you guys' and girls' confidence in my abilities saw me get on stage for the first time. That's because of you guys. it is because of you guys I am alive: I started writing this during the darkest streak of my life and I've had bouts where I was suicidal for a long while. You guys are a big part of why I'm still here.
So why am I leaving? Time, and drive. I currently am working 13, 14 hour days then going out and doing stand up almost every night. Then driving an hour home. I don't have the time, and to be honest I've known I had long ago peaked here. I am not consistently as good as I once was and I've known for at least a year that A) you deserve better than I can give you and B) to follow my dreams I would need to choose what my nights were spent doing.
So in closing, a resounding thank you to you all. All the writers, editors, and most of all the readers. You changed my life, and I am going to be eternally sad to leave you as a daily contributor, and to turn over my baby to someone else.
I love you all, even Chicken and Cry.
But enough of the feely-feels. I am not going out on a sad note, lets turn this s**t up to 11 and go out in blazes, going in two footed, with both barrels, and with three d***s. [Editor's note: legit crying right now.]
One last time, lets do this: And now the "news."
If you are one of the people on the Levy Let Us Down AGAIN bandwagon I am delighted to inform you that if I were God I'd revoke your voting rights because you are a petulant child who hates the the nice things you were generously provided, only you wanted more. Why don't you guys go outside and start yelling "BUT I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA NOOOOOW". This man who has delivered player after player who is realistically TOO good for this team and found them before the giants could so they HAD TO PAY US when they got them. Modric, Bale, Berbatov, Lloris, Van der Vaart. I could keep going but I won't because my case is made. Trust in Levy and shut your dumb mouths. Lord, I bet you are the kinds of people who complain about people in the service industry.
I never said Levy wasn't a world class prick, because he is . But he is our guy. Remember when Luka wanted to go to Chelsea? Like he really wanted it, like when you were a kid and you heard the ice cream truck's music in summer? And you NEEDED to get the lemon shark pop even though you knew it was s**t and you didn't really like it? You remember that when Luka begged to go and Levy was like "Yeah, eh, the pitch is over there, we play Sunderland this weekend go get em tiger"? Remember that? I love you Dan Levy, you c**k****er.
Do. You. Wanna Make Out?
But seriously I'm down. I've had some new feelings recently and lets see what happens.
Kneel before Zod you puny mortals! Bow down, kowtow and be prostrate in front of Andi Thomas, Graham MacAree, Kevin McCauley, Menno, Skipjack, Bryan A., Caley, and hetero Internet life relationship partner 55thVin. These guys push themselves to the limit during the transfer window for little or no money, they all deserve more and they are real journalists who often have much better standards than the guys working on salary at newspapers.
So you are still here? OK one last thank you. To Luke Thomas who when he ran Bloody Elbow brought me in to the SB Nation world. And then one night I realized there were a s**tload of other "SB Nation whatever that is" sites and I should go find the ones for my team, and then boom I found Kevin's baby. Here.
So now it's over. I step away, but I'll be back with other stuff occasionally. In the mean time be nice to the new guy he is someone you may have heard of. He did after all found this site, AND unleash me on you.
This is the best thing I have ever done. I am in tears writing this. Goodbye my friends.