We saved the best award for last. Sure, we've talked about Spurs' most valuable player in the first half of the season, as well as the best new addition and the most improved player. But none of these hold a candle to the most important issue of our time: Which Spurs player has had the best hair this season?
This is important. It's probably more important than world peace. Here are the candidates for the Scott Parker Memorial Hair Award.
Toby Alderweireld's hair is a sculpted marble column. Short on the sides and back, long at the top, it's like a reverse-mullet, slicked back and epoxied to a gleaming shine. Look close and you can see Dele Alli waving in the reflection coming off of Alderweireld's perfect coif. You could ski-jump down that slope. It's incredible.
But more than that, his hair also serves a tactical purpose. The sheer amount of product applied to Toby's noggin forms a nearly impenetrable shield and an ideal platform by which he can rifle headers on goal. Hard as diamond, yet still malleable as Silly-Putty, Alderweireld can go through an entire match of long passes, rifled headers, and copious forehead sweat and his hair still comes out exactly as he styled it in the locker room just prior to the match. Reports that his hair is held together with Marine-Tex have not been confirmed.
Toby's hair may not be the most beautiful on the team, but it is the most spectacularly utilitarian hair Tottenham Hotspur has had since Ledley King first shaved his head in 1999. His hair has almost single-handedly led Spurs' back line and forms a beautiful partnership with the free-flowing locks of Jan Vertonghen. It's not the flashiest, it's not showy. But it gets the job done.
Erik Lamela's hair is in the style of a mohawk. It's also in the style of a fauxhawk. It's a mo-faux-hawk. This is clearly an indication of how happy Lamela is with his football, since only a happy footballer full of verve and confidence could so effortlessly meld two contradictory hairstyles and make them work so well, week after week. And such a dramatic hairstyle has the added effect of balancing out his manly, almost cartoonish eyebrows. The focus is above the forehead now, not below it. As it should be.
When Erik Lamela was first signed we all speculated about how his hair would fit into the side. Have faith, we advised, for his hair needs space and time to grow. And oh, how it has grown. Lamela is playing with the confidence of a player who knows he can change his styling cream at any time and he'll still have the backing of the Spurs fans. He might even be able to change his hair color, like Sandro did in 2013. Lamela's follicular acumen has come a long way since his bad hair day against Stoke earlier this season. Now his hair can do no wrong, and the Spurs Hair Club is that much the better for it.
Clinton N'Jie is not a player afraid of his hair. It rises gloriously from his scalp, tapering gracefully to a point, like the snow-capped peak of Kilimanjaro. Conehead, you say? No sir!, I reply, it is hair that is bold, nearly reckless in its authenticity and audacity, much like Clinton's marauding runs up the Tottenham flanks. Clinton has hair that requires minimal styling, and its two tones, much like the cockerel on Tottenham's crest, is bold and decisive. It is hair that says "I know what I am capable of. I know what my future holds."
Not everyone could pull off a two-tone triangle hairstyle. Mario Balotelli, maybe. But Super Mario no longer possesses the youthful promise that now infects every pore of Clinton's scalp. Sure, his hair is on injured reserve at the moment, but we expect it to come back bigger, healthier, and stronger, to Tottenham's benefit.
Ardiles. Klinsmann. Pirlo. Parker. Some footballers don't need assistance to win the hair game. Let's be honest: we miss Scott Parker as much for his RAF-styled good looks and perfectly imperfect free-flowing locks as much as for his ability to (literally) run midfielders in circles. Since Parker took his Supermarine Spitfire to Fulham, he has left a perfect hair-shaped hole in the side that no one has been able to fill. Until now. Tom Carroll is the heir (hair?) apparent to Parker's legacy.
Tom's hair has grown along with his game, and his hair has now proven that it is ready to at last fulfill its promise. No need for any hair help here. No gels, creams or sprays can improve its shine or magnificence. Tom Carroll's hair flows free in the breeze, untouched by product or Etienne Capoue. It also looks glorious even when Tom's sliding across the pitch on his knees, his head soaked in his own sweat, after scoring a thunderbastard of a goal in the Europa League.
Tom Carroll's hair is just now beginning to spread its wings. Now watch it soar.
Look close at Son Heung-Min's hair. Look really close. He's Korean, so his hair is black, of course, but there's something else: a shimmering, luminescence that takes his free-flowing coife and transforms it into something else. Do you see it? There's a hint of copper there, a lightness, an almost chiaroscuro quality to his hair, as if something illuminates it ever so softly from the inside.
Anyone can color their hair, but I believe this is natural. I believe, actually, that Son is in fact a ginger. I have no facts to base it on, but I have to believe that natural redheads are few and far between in South Korea. This makes Sonny unique. We should celebrate this, hold his hair up as the shining example of individuality that it is. Korean gingers don't need stylists. Korean gingers don't need close-cropped hair cuts. Korean gingers can date attractive pop stars, can play football in Germany and London, and can score midair-backheel-nutmeg-match-winning-goals. Can they also lead their clubs to Premier League titles? Well, why not!
Honorable Mention: Marcus Edwards
Marcus Edwards is Messi with an afro. We've talked about this before. But just look at that 'fro – clearly he was a Paul Mitchell scouting as only someone with that level of hair products could land such an incredible prospect. His hair is a thing of beauty and has a future with infinite possibilities, much like Marcus itself. The linked photo is old, and we haven't seen many recent pics, but we've heard rumors of impending dreadlocks. But time is not a fixed construct, and the future is malleable. Will he do cornrow braids? Will he abandon it for a simple fade? Will he continue to rock out, 1970s style? Whatever he chooses, his hair game is on fleek and he shows every signs of being a future hair leader in the Tottenham first team.