Tottenham 4-1 Sunderland: player ratings to the theme of igneous rocks

So, Tottenham won on Saturday. That was pretty fun.

A number of weeks ago  -- maybe it was the My Little Pony article, maybe it was Pixar movies, maybe it was beer styles, I can't remember -- at some point in one of these articles I made some comment about how you bunch of chuckleheads would vociferously argue about igneous rocks just to piss me off. Then another one pretty much dared me to do a player ratings to the theme of igneous rocks.

Well. Time to put that theory to the test. Here are your player ratings for Tottenham Hotspur's 4-1 win over Sunderland to the theme of igneous rocks. Let's rock out with our cockerels out.

Five Stars: Obsidian

Obsidian is a fantastic rock. Glassy, glossy, beautiful, it fractures well like slate and can be used to make ridiculously sharp cutting surfaces. Primitive cultures used it for arrowheads and knives. It's sheen and deep color makes it the subject of untold fantasy novels. Plus it SOUNDS important. Obsidian. Has gravitas, doesn't it? I once had a chunk of obsidian that someone gave me and it was a prized possession during my childhood. I lost it. I want it back.

Christian Eriksen: Well, if that performance doesn't break him out of his "slump" then nothing will. This was Eriksen at his very best, buzzing around the pitch, looking for openings, and taking advantage of scoring opportunities. Yeah, his second goal was a lucky deflection. Don't care.

Mousa Dembele: It only took one match to get Moose back to his best, and again he proved just how important he is to this offense. Kevin McCauley said in the writer's chat today that it's astounding how quickly Moose went from "Yeah maybe we should sell this guy" to MVP of the team. His goal was pretty nice too.

Four Stars: Pumice

Has an igneous rock ever been so useful in so many ways? Formed from explosive volcanic eruptions, it's light as air, and its volcanic structure makes it an important component in concrete, as well as an abrasive in a lot of different cosmetic and industrial applications. Have none of you ever smoothed the calluses on your feet with a pumice stone? Come on, you can admit that you like your heels baby soft. That's pumice.

Harry Kane: Harry's back to his usual yeoman's effort, (totally) buzzing around, dropping deep, bringing in players, and looking for his shot. He came up against a determined Jordan Pickford in goal, but he looked like he was good for one or two goals beyond his PK against Sunderland.

Janby Alderweirtonghen: I feel like I'm repeating myself. These guys are such a good cohesive unit that I rarely feel like throttling either of them. Toby in particular used his long passing to good effect and both of them pretty much kept Jermain Defoe from doing much of anything.

Eric Dier: A quiet match for Eric but not at all a bad one. This was a "par" performance for Dier, which means he ably shielded his defense and didn't do anything stupid. And yeah, that's good enough for four stars from me.

Erik Lamela: I've seen some who were a little down on Erik after this match, but I thought was quite good. His end product may have lacked a little bit, but he was industrious and pressed extremely well against Sunderland. OK, he derped the 5-on-1 chance, and that's no good, but even so. This isn't the player we thought we were buying for £30m, but if he keeps playing this way he's definitely worth the price.

Three Stars: Diorite

I don't have much to say about diorite except that I think it's really pretty. Google it, it's a gorgeous salt-and-pepper color. I understand that you can harvest it in Minecraft which probably gives diorite some extra geek cred. I don't think it's particularly useful for much. I just think it looks nice, and that's good enough to give it three stars in my book.

Hugo Lloris: I think Hugo will be a little disappointed with the way he handed Van Aanholt's goal, but that's being picky. Hugo didn't have a lot to do otherwise, but he commanded his area well and I thought his distribution was fine.

Dele Alli: A quiet match for our lovable little jerk. A weird one too: he dragged a shot attempt wide and then had an uncharacteristic defensive derp that led to Sunderland's only goal. Not a terrible performance on balance, though. If this is an "off match" we're in pretty good shape.

Kieran Trippier: Trips really divided opinion on this match. For me, I thought he was reeeeeeeally uneven: pretty good going forward but had several really suspect moments defensively. It feels like he's settling into the squad and I think he pairs well with Rose, but I don't think Kyle Walker needs to worry about his position any time soon.

Danny Rose: Won the penalty, got an assist, but still looked a little shaky at times. Not happy with his dive, either. He was okay.

Two Stars: Granite

Remember when granite counter tops were all the rage with the nouveau riche? They're nice looking, but heavy as hell, crazy expensive for a common mineral, and require special attention and cleaning to keep them looking nice. And now I hear that they can release radon. Nope. When I win the powerball, it's stainless steel or butcher block for me.

No Tottenham players played this poorly, which is neat.

One Star: Tuff

Tuff sounds like it's full of blood and thunder and the petrified remains of bad English central midfielders. I bet Tim Sherwood uses it to make HIS counter tops. Apparently this is what the Rapa Nui on Easter Island used to make those gigantic maoi statues. Now most of them are all tumbled over and destroyed and s**t. If you're going to rank igneous rocks, why would you put tuff any higher than one star? Tuff sucks. You can trust me, I'm a blogger.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as tuff.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Joshy Onomah, Heung-Min Son, Tom Carroll